Feelings + Going On

It took me a while to write something like this. No, I am not going to elaborate our story because I realized how it was so precious for me that I don’t like sharing. It’s like preserving a beautiful memory. I get pretty selfish like that.

It is a no-brainer that it was a precious ride with that person. I have never felt completely happy and thankful for my life than when I was with him. It was the best days of my life and I am still thankful for those. No one has ever made me feel that I deserve to be happy the way this person did. My experiences from the past and how I am kind of got into me, that I didn’t know how to handle it better. I admit that I am not the most lovable or the most expressive person when it comes to relationships. I mean, I could’ve been one, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was fear, maybe I just can’t, but being like that never changed what I felt since day one. No matter how much I get really hormonal, I am proud to say that there was never a moment that I was unsure of what I was feeling. That day.. I can still remember that day when we called it off. Our anger got into our heads pretty quickly. Maybe it was PMS for me since that time was nearing my period or maybe it was just that I was tired with all the things that’s been happening in my personal life, or maybe not. But we were so vulnerable that we took the decision of calling it off. It was sad, really. I still wish we could’ve been better than letting the anger get into us but yeah, both of us weren’t strong enough.

You see, the thing is, the way I expressed it was so minimal but my feelings should never be questioned because I know in myself that what I felt since day one have never changed. When I said that, that person is the only one, I meant it. I never had anyone other than that person. When I said ‘I love you’, I really meant it, even if it meant losing that person. When I said ‘I trust you’, I really meant it. I trusted the person, that I believed he wouldn’t hurt me.

I sometimes think if giving too much space on people is good or bad. I tend to give so much space that I tend to lose them. It’s a mind game I still haven’t mastered.

When you love a person so much, you try to give them what they want even if it’s hard for you. Dearly, I loved someone so much that even if he asked to end what we had, I let him. After all, what could I do? He used to say that the control in a relationship lies on who feels less and unfortunately, it was him. I just sometimes wonder, how could one person who used to love you, became all decided to call it off without taking in consideration what he really feels about you, that you both know you want it but the other doesn’t want to figure it out anymore. Maybe it’s just my delusion, or maybe not. I just think that there were too many beautiful things that two people were too blind to see between them but they choose to stop and separate, that there were love but they refuse to take it. Some people have no plans on quitting on people but why do people give up on them? Don’t they deserve to be fought for? It’s still a question that I have been asking myself for the last 3 years and I thought I found an answer but then, it slipped away, like before. It was too dramatic.

Imagine a scene where you are on the edge of a cliff and the person you love is holding your hand as if trying to save you. You try so hard to hold his hand so you won’t slip away and fall even if your hand is sweaty that it’s hard for him to hold you any longer. And then there’s that one point that he just gives up and lets you go no matter how you still want to live. And then you slipped. You fell. You died. You can’t go back anymore even if you want to.

The one thing that I realized in loving someone is that, no matter how much it hurts you, the good things are still what matters the most, well that’s for me. And just as I was typing this, I saw a photo on my Facebook timeline saying, “Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason why it will.” I guess the universe agrees with me. Maybe that’s why I never give up on people, because I always believe that as long as I love the person, I would always like to fix it, even if it’s one-sided, even if it’s hard, even if it’s really complicated. When things get really bad, when there are too many reasons to give up, there will always be that one reason I always choose- my love for the person. It would be better if the other person feels the same, but if not, then that’s just too bad.

I believe that in the recent relationship I had, official or not, I believed in it, that it would be better than before. And it was. I think at some point we both became selfish but I think it’s safe to say that I have never spilled out how I get hurt most of the time. I chose not to say it, not only because I have a hard time speaking out but also because I chose to forgive and forget. I chose all the good things we had over some bad things we were having. I was never expressive in relationships. I admit that. But I hope it wasn’t a reason for it to end. My feelings never changed since that night he first kissed me. And no, there was never another one, just him, always. I sometimes think why it wasn’t the same for him, you know, forgiving and forgetting the bad things and choosing the good part and believing in me, reminding himself of the trust he gave me that I will make it right, reminding himself of when he told me he’ll hold on to that. But I guess people will always leave you. They will just think they don’t want anymore and just give up, no matter how much you try to win them back or no matter how many good things there were. I will never understand that. One minute you were still trying and then the next, one just gives up. It just kind of really sucks when you were the one who is given up on. It really makes you think how you will never be good enough for others; especially to those people you think are perfect. But then, I realized just by watching Iron Man 3 that, there will always be that one person you don’t have to try getting his attention because you will always be perfect for him, no matter how flawed you think you are. I am not really into that realization since I stopped believing that there is that one person for me after that thing in 2011 but I am slightly believing in that since my best friend keeps on injecting that to my brain, in a good way. Though I wished that person I had a relationship recently would prove that to me, but oh well. People are people. I understand that there’s nothing left to save, I know that and I totally understand. Still cheers to all the good things and to the brighter side. Life must go on and I will keep rolling.

That Feeling

That feeling when someone asks you what's new with your life and you have nothing to say because your life has been really down for the last couple of weeks. That feeling when he's just so happy and you're there, just.. steady. That feeling when he seems to have everything and you're there basically has nothing. That feeling when he is moving really fast forward and you're there being a snail. That feeling when his life's filled with great opportunities and you're there still trying to push away the depression.
Don't misinterpret, I am more than happy for him.

That feeling when history seems to repeat itself, that you always lose something when graduation's coming, that your heart always break when your supposed-to-be-happy event is coming. That feeling when you blame yourself for everything that's happened. That feeling when you think that you can never be really happy for a long time, that there will always be an expiration date for people, that no matter how you trusted and thought that people won't leave through tough times, they will always do. That feeling when you know you have so much to give but the other person won't let you. That feeling when you know you can really do better but the other person doesn't believe you. That feeling when you have so much love and respect for a person that even though his decision doesn't include you, you still try to understand.
Don't misinterpret, I'm trying to move forward.

This depression always finds a way to kick in. Don't mind.

It's Fine

I guess some things aren't really meant to be. It sucks how life gets tough on you almost everytime. But I guess that's what's really going to happen if you try to push someone away just because you are scared. It sucks when history seems to repeat itself, that what happened in the past may seem to be happening again, only that you tried to fix it sooner than before. The more I tried to push people away because of my fear of getting hurt, the more I did hurt myself. My walls got really high that when I tried to look on the other side of it, no one was there anymore, just footprints.

It's like seeing a dress in a store. You fell in love the first time you laid your eyes on it. You had the money but you're trying to save it. So you tried to gather some more but when you came back, it was gone. It was a nice dress, something that would really look good on you, but it was gone. You lost your chance.

I tried my best to bring it back but it was all too late. It was a great adventure but not all adventures last the way we want them to. And I guess when you said that you did love me, you really did love me. I just never thought it would fade that soon.

I am hurting, a lot. But it'll pass. I'm sure it will. And it's fine, because somewhere along the road, I know it'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I will be okay.

Day 3

Since I know no one views this, I guess I need to let this out. I am hurting, a lot. And it fcking sucks that we have gone to this. I knew this point will happen, because it's a cycle but it's so damn hard when you know something better could've happened, like you could've been better and he could've understood you well. I know I have a lot of shortcomings and I could've been better. What saddens me the most is the fact that you have to let go of someone you knew would be worth it, someone you knew was the best.

It's so hard when you used to be there together for each other but you are there now, separated.  Like you used to hold hands and now you just don't want to hold each other's. Like you used to be so happy but things got so complicated and you weren't strong enough for the both of you. It's a massive torture that you will have to face every single day until you get better. I just wish I can fast forward.

I am hurting, a lot. The feeling that I have long avoided. Sometimes, I think, what if I didn't build walls, what if I went with the flow and just didn't try to sabotage what's making me happy and what I deserved. I tried to push you away because I am scared to get hurt but it still hurt me, especially you. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

My thoughts are jumbled.

I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now, Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me, And it's taking me to somewhere new

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well, Since the last time that we spoke, you said "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."

What a night it is, when you live like this, All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now, You know, I still can't believe we both did some things, I don't even wanna think about, Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want anybody else to feel this way"

I'll admit I was wrong about everything, Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down, All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even wanna think about.

I'm not strong enough for the both of us, What was I supposed to do, You know I love you.

Thankful

In times of trials, I admit that I am the most negative person ever. I just think that if I become too positive about these, things would go negatively and I would end up more devastated because I hoped and then nothing happened. I think it's just my reason not to expect things.

I am recently, or currently facing one of the biggest problems I have ever faced. It's pretty much eating up the whole of me and I tend to become afraid of being alone because I don't want to handle it alone. I mean I can't handle it alone. I might kill myself or something, not that I'm suicidal.

As I face this whatever it is that I am facing, one person never left my side and has been a great help on how I cope up with it. I mean, wow, I am so shocked and very thankful at the same time that one person was literally beside me the whole time and never left my side, just supporting me and giving me all I need, trying to cheer me up as much as he can. Even though I really hate how this person tells me about hope, I really appreciate how he has been there for me. God, I am really thankful. Words cannot express how much I am thankful that I have this person helping me to hold on and keeping me sane.

I wish this person all the best for the next coming days since I know that a lot of things are also getting jumbled in this person's life. I really believe that he's a great person and that he is really smart that he can go and fix everything.

He's the best.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I don't really know why I am writing this.

It really bothers me especially every time I wake up and those emotional times before I fall asleep at night. I constantly think how it's hard for me every time some conflict comes up and I just don't want to spit it all out because it'll always be my fault and I will always look fool and stuff. I mean it's hard for me that I feel like I am alone here and I have to carry everything by myself because revealing it all will make things worse. Saying "I'm sorry, it was my fault, let's be okay" has been hard for me especially because I tend to tell it most of the times to avoid being hostile and to avoid countless statements that would make me feel like I've never done anything right because I have to forget about my side and always take the other's side first.

I don't know. It's just.. hard to take it all to yourself and not being able to communicate freely to the other party and not being able to be understood just like you were supposed to be understood. Or maybe I don't really deserve to be understood. I don't know. Bottom line is, it gives me pain how much I want to be free in telling how I feel but I can't because the other party so special to me that it also hurts me fighting with.. yeah.

How Does It Really Work?

Certain things have happened and I don't really know what to think or rather what to feel. Things happened way too fast that I wasn't really prepared of what I was going into which resulted to me feeling what I am feeling right now. I have long admitted that I am scared but I don't know if the people around me or if the person involved knows how much the degree of my fear is. I'm still fighting with the thoughts that are clouding through my head, especially those that my friends would say. I'm still constantly thinking of what ifs and things that I had myself believe in order not to get hurt again. And even if that I have heard the "it's going to be okay" line for a couple of times already, I am still scared and I still couldn't stop thinking about negative things.

I've never wanted to admit what I feel because I think that if I do, it would make things a lot worse. But things aren't worse. Things aren't even bad. I'm just the one who's thinking that it is because I admit that I am that scared. And now that I am starting to consider that 'stopping' could be one of my choices just so nothing gets bad, I couldn't think if it's going to be right. I know myself well. I know that if I give in to this, it'll only make me weak, that it will overpower the whole me and that I'm going to be miserable. But if I let this go, would it make me happy? Part of me wants to say yes because I would save myself from future pain and I would even save him from miserable me in the future. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I think that if I tell the person any of this, he will get angry or think that I am getting so dramatic again. My friend told me that if he does get mad, he's not worth it. How does it really work? I'm getting tired thinking of all these things but I can't let this debate go. I still have to decide. I just don't know if I should decide on my own or decide with this person.