Never An Open Book

When you have been raised being given with all the material things on your list, people, especially parents, would always think that you’d be fine. I have observed that with people whose parents have been separated, their parents would always give their kids the things they want. I have realized that the reason why they do this is because they wanted their kids to be happy despite all the drama and pain they have caused their kids, thinking that it would somehow make up for it.

I don’t have separated parents but I have all the material things I wanted. My parents have given me everything they could give and I have always been thankful for that, no matter how much they think I’m not. If you look at it, I may have a perfect life. But I will tell you the statement that I have realized myself, no one is perfect and you won’t have it all.

No matter how gifted I am when it comes to the material things, I was never at peace. Maybe I was just eager to get these things because I wanted them to fill out the emptiness that never left me since forever. My parents would always tell me that I should be thankful that I have everything and they have given those to me. I am really thankful. It’s just sad that it seems like they think I am all “material” when they don’t even bother talking to me, in a calm way. I always have those moments where I would almost cry to my mom because of the heaviness of what I am carrying inside. But I can’t, because it’s either they would give me a sermon or they would take it differently. I think it’s because they are traditional. And they think that I could never have any problem and if I do, it would be non-sense, because I have everything in my life so what’s there to fail. So I tend to act like a strong girl in front of them, with no feelings at all, someone who looks like she doesn’t care, someone who looks like a happy-go-lucky person, which is pretty much working. But does that make me feel happy? No, not at all. There are a lot of aspects in my life in which they didn’t know I had problems with. And they didn’t know how much they have consumed me. They just don’t know things, yet it is as if I am not allowed to have problems. There are some things that I do that they don’t understand and which they always try pinning back to the material things issue. That’s a little complicated and tiring. If only they knew how I have been for the last year, it’s a good thing that I am still alive and trying my best to at least be steady. But often times, I just couldn’t carry it anymore, especially now that my life’s a little complicated. I would really love to at least get comfort from them, but if that means I will get pinned down, I’d rather not. Besides, we have never gotten into an emotional stuff so why burden them some more with what I carry? Though I think a parent-child relationship that involves being comfortable talking about your feelings is something that is very healthy and ideal. Too bad I don’t have it. Like I said, you can’t have it all.

Life Instructions

Do you know those moments when you should be the one making the decision yet people always butt in and tell you what to do? What is more annoying than experiencing that your whole life, like every single thing is dictated to you? They will always tell you to do this and do that, as if it’s their life. They don’t let you live a dangerous life, even for a little, so you get used to the safe life. Are you living your own life? Obviously, no.

Pain in the ass people. Deep breaths, deep breaths..

Fear of Speaking and Flowery Words

For a while now, I have been having a bum life, basically because I’m just waiting for my graduation to come and finding a job is not in my plans yet. I have been talking to people, personal stuff only to the few people I trust. Basically, my life has been getting by lately. I’ve been trying to find some new stuff to do but I always end up being on steady mode. And then I thought, aren’t I always? Haha.

I have been meaning to write some stuff to voice out anything that has been bugging me lately but whenever I get in front of my computer, I just black out. There are some stuff that I want to write about but after a while, I just think about how they will draw issues or conclusions to some people. So most of the time, I just shut up and let things be. I think that’s also one of the things that I have learned for the past year. The more you speak, the more drama or trouble you will get into, which reminds me of the episode of Awkward I just watched recently wherein Jenna was more close to her ex, Jake, than her boyfriend, Matty, just because she can tell Jake anything whereas to Matty, she’s scared of voicing out things that might lead him to going away or like be judged by him. There are people that we’d rather not talk to about things because they will not understand and we think that telling them things will provide greater chances of them walking away from us. It is normal that we feel this over some people but I think that is what makes us vulnerable when of comes to these people. We are so scared to spill whatever’s been in our minds that we try to avoid them. Good thing with Jenna, Matty was patient enough for her.

Things, things.. They make us crazy all the time.

I’m slightly starting to realize some stuff. People are sometimes not the ones we think they are. Not that this is related to the previous sentence, but there are things that happened lately that I never talked about. I don’t even know why, but it feels weird.

I’ve been thinking about those people who assure you about something but don’t even mean it. It’s their way of making you feel better, lessening the guilt they have for hurting you or for being different from who they are whenever they are with you. I am trying to understand their side but I can’t really think of any good reason for them doing it. It’s just really confusing when they seem to tell you they care and they will be honest to you but the next thing you know they are just doing the opposite of what they have told you. I do not understand why some people can do that. Why don’t they just tell the truth? That’s what they want, right? I just feel betrayed with all of the things that have been happening lately, the lies, the flowery words that seem to have hurtful truths behind. And what’s funny is that, you have figured it out and they still lie in front of your face, thinking that they can fool you. Oh, the shame. I don’t know if some people are just fools or they are just plain assholes. And then what’s worse is that, you didn’t expect them to lie to you after all those years or months of friendship or whatever relationship you have. But then I thought; if that’s what they want to do, then go. Do it. After all, I am known to receive any shit there is, not that it meant I care, though.

Note that there are a lot of people in my life.

Feelings + Going On

It took me a while to write something like this. No, I am not going to elaborate our story because I realized how it was so precious for me that I don’t like sharing. It’s like preserving a beautiful memory. I get pretty selfish like that.

It is a no-brainer that it was a precious ride with that person. I have never felt completely happy and thankful for my life than when I was with him. It was the best days of my life and I am still thankful for those. No one has ever made me feel that I deserve to be happy the way this person did. My experiences from the past and how I am kind of got into me, that I didn’t know how to handle it better. I admit that I am not the most lovable or the most expressive person when it comes to relationships. I mean, I could’ve been one, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was fear, maybe I just can’t, but being like that never changed what I felt since day one. No matter how much I get really hormonal, I am proud to say that there was never a moment that I was unsure of what I was feeling. That day.. I can still remember that day when we called it off. Our anger got into our heads pretty quickly. Maybe it was PMS for me since that time was nearing my period or maybe it was just that I was tired with all the things that’s been happening in my personal life, or maybe not. But we were so vulnerable that we took the decision of calling it off. It was sad, really. I still wish we could’ve been better than letting the anger get into us but yeah, both of us weren’t strong enough.

You see, the thing is, the way I expressed it was so minimal but my feelings should never be questioned because I know in myself that what I felt since day one have never changed. When I said that, that person is the only one, I meant it. I never had anyone other than that person. When I said ‘I love you’, I really meant it, even if it meant losing that person. When I said ‘I trust you’, I really meant it. I trusted the person, that I believed he wouldn’t hurt me.

I sometimes think if giving too much space on people is good or bad. I tend to give so much space that I tend to lose them. It’s a mind game I still haven’t mastered.

When you love a person so much, you try to give them what they want even if it’s hard for you. Dearly, I loved someone so much that even if he asked to end what we had, I let him. After all, what could I do? He used to say that the control in a relationship lies on who feels less and unfortunately, it was him. I just sometimes wonder, how could one person who used to love you, became all decided to call it off without taking in consideration what he really feels about you, that you both know you want it but the other doesn’t want to figure it out anymore. Maybe it’s just my delusion, or maybe not. I just think that there were too many beautiful things that two people were too blind to see between them but they choose to stop and separate, that there were love but they refuse to take it. Some people have no plans on quitting on people but why do people give up on them? Don’t they deserve to be fought for? It’s still a question that I have been asking myself for the last 3 years and I thought I found an answer but then, it slipped away, like before. It was too dramatic.

Imagine a scene where you are on the edge of a cliff and the person you love is holding your hand as if trying to save you. You try so hard to hold his hand so you won’t slip away and fall even if your hand is sweaty that it’s hard for him to hold you any longer. And then there’s that one point that he just gives up and lets you go no matter how you still want to live. And then you slipped. You fell. You died. You can’t go back anymore even if you want to.

The one thing that I realized in loving someone is that, no matter how much it hurts you, the good things are still what matters the most, well that’s for me. And just as I was typing this, I saw a photo on my Facebook timeline saying, “Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason why it will.” I guess the universe agrees with me. Maybe that’s why I never give up on people, because I always believe that as long as I love the person, I would always like to fix it, even if it’s one-sided, even if it’s hard, even if it’s really complicated. When things get really bad, when there are too many reasons to give up, there will always be that one reason I always choose- my love for the person. It would be better if the other person feels the same, but if not, then that’s just too bad.

I believe that in the recent relationship I had, official or not, I believed in it, that it would be better than before. And it was. I think at some point we both became selfish but I think it’s safe to say that I have never spilled out how I get hurt most of the time. I chose not to say it, not only because I have a hard time speaking out but also because I chose to forgive and forget. I chose all the good things we had over some bad things we were having. I was never expressive in relationships. I admit that. But I hope it wasn’t a reason for it to end. My feelings never changed since that night he first kissed me. And no, there was never another one, just him, always. I sometimes think why it wasn’t the same for him, you know, forgiving and forgetting the bad things and choosing the good part and believing in me, reminding himself of the trust he gave me that I will make it right, reminding himself of when he told me he’ll hold on to that. But I guess people will always leave you. They will just think they don’t want anymore and just give up, no matter how much you try to win them back or no matter how many good things there were. I will never understand that. One minute you were still trying and then the next, one just gives up. It just kind of really sucks when you were the one who is given up on. It really makes you think how you will never be good enough for others; especially to those people you think are perfect. But then, I realized just by watching Iron Man 3 that, there will always be that one person you don’t have to try getting his attention because you will always be perfect for him, no matter how flawed you think you are. I am not really into that realization since I stopped believing that there is that one person for me after that thing in 2011 but I am slightly believing in that since my best friend keeps on injecting that to my brain, in a good way. Though I wished that person I had a relationship recently would prove that to me, but oh well. People are people. I understand that there’s nothing left to save, I know that and I totally understand. Still cheers to all the good things and to the brighter side. Life must go on and I will keep rolling.

That Feeling

That feeling when someone asks you what's new with your life and you have nothing to say because your life has been really down for the last couple of weeks. That feeling when he's just so happy and you're there, just.. steady. That feeling when he seems to have everything and you're there basically has nothing. That feeling when he is moving really fast forward and you're there being a snail. That feeling when his life's filled with great opportunities and you're there still trying to push away the depression.
Don't misinterpret, I am more than happy for him.

That feeling when history seems to repeat itself, that you always lose something when graduation's coming, that your heart always break when your supposed-to-be-happy event is coming. That feeling when you blame yourself for everything that's happened. That feeling when you think that you can never be really happy for a long time, that there will always be an expiration date for people, that no matter how you trusted and thought that people won't leave through tough times, they will always do. That feeling when you know you have so much to give but the other person won't let you. That feeling when you know you can really do better but the other person doesn't believe you. That feeling when you have so much love and respect for a person that even though his decision doesn't include you, you still try to understand.
Don't misinterpret, I'm trying to move forward.

This depression always finds a way to kick in. Don't mind.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I don't really know why I am writing this.

It really bothers me especially every time I wake up and those emotional times before I fall asleep at night. I constantly think how it's hard for me every time some conflict comes up and I just don't want to spit it all out because it'll always be my fault and I will always look fool and stuff. I mean it's hard for me that I feel like I am alone here and I have to carry everything by myself because revealing it all will make things worse. Saying "I'm sorry, it was my fault, let's be okay" has been hard for me especially because I tend to tell it most of the times to avoid being hostile and to avoid countless statements that would make me feel like I've never done anything right because I have to forget about my side and always take the other's side first.

I don't know. It's just.. hard to take it all to yourself and not being able to communicate freely to the other party and not being able to be understood just like you were supposed to be understood. Or maybe I don't really deserve to be understood. I don't know. Bottom line is, it gives me pain how much I want to be free in telling how I feel but I can't because the other party so special to me that it also hurts me fighting with.. yeah.

You're Good, Not

I guess living in a family wherein everyone's good at something is negative at some points. Not having that "enough" feeling won't always mean that you may see life and become motivated by it. Sometimes, it makes you feel vulnerable and crap.

You are good.. Not. Maybe you are at a certain field but sometimes your skills aren't enough. Sometimes, you just want to be better and produce stuff wherein you could be proud of yourself, like you can say, "I did that!" Most of the times, you feel like everything you wanted never landed in your hands. It's just hard when you try so hard but there's no progress. You are tired of being in someone's shadows but destiny just keeps sticking you there, under everyone's shadows and so you will feel useless and nothing.

I want to believe I'm good but life's preventing me in doing it.

I am lost for words..

How Does It Really Work?

Certain things have happened and I don't really know what to think or rather what to feel. Things happened way too fast that I wasn't really prepared of what I was going into which resulted to me feeling what I am feeling right now. I have long admitted that I am scared but I don't know if the people around me or if the person involved knows how much the degree of my fear is. I'm still fighting with the thoughts that are clouding through my head, especially those that my friends would say. I'm still constantly thinking of what ifs and things that I had myself believe in order not to get hurt again. And even if that I have heard the "it's going to be okay" line for a couple of times already, I am still scared and I still couldn't stop thinking about negative things.

I've never wanted to admit what I feel because I think that if I do, it would make things a lot worse. But things aren't worse. Things aren't even bad. I'm just the one who's thinking that it is because I admit that I am that scared. And now that I am starting to consider that 'stopping' could be one of my choices just so nothing gets bad, I couldn't think if it's going to be right. I know myself well. I know that if I give in to this, it'll only make me weak, that it will overpower the whole me and that I'm going to be miserable. But if I let this go, would it make me happy? Part of me wants to say yes because I would save myself from future pain and I would even save him from miserable me in the future. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I think that if I tell the person any of this, he will get angry or think that I am getting so dramatic again. My friend told me that if he does get mad, he's not worth it. How does it really work? I'm getting tired thinking of all these things but I can't let this debate go. I still have to decide. I just don't know if I should decide on my own or decide with this person.

Pessimistic

I guess there will always be a day where you think about how things aren't really going nice for you. I was watching this series. There was a couple who have been fighting over a song that the guy made a remix on. He used the song that the girl wrote. It was personal for the girl because she wrote that for the daughter she had given away three years ago. And then, the girl said that she was never the most important for every guy she dated. It kind of had me thinking about my own personal life. For my past relationships, I always have a competition in a sense that I was never really the priority. It's like competing with everything in the person's life. There was never a guy who actually treated me right. There's always has to be that one thing that the person always chooses over me, either lust, ambitions. I kept thinking, when will I ever be enough to someone that he would actually make me feel that nothing really matters. I know it's contradicting to the life I want to put up for myself and the image I want to pursue but it just keeps on popping in my mind and I am really tired. I am tired of thinking about how it has never been good to me, that I was never really on the right timing, that every guy I date or like isn't just right.

That was me being to pessimistic. I have to write more often.

Comeback

So.. I've been away for the whole term, I guess. I've been busy with a lot of stuff. Freshmen Elections was more stressful than I imagined it. I worked with the publicities so it kind of ate all my time and energy. When I was away, there were lots of things that happened also, stuff from my lovelife, from my friends, and from myself as well.

Have you ever had that one person you never thought would go back to you and make you feel that he felt sorry for what happened before? I find it really hard to trust anyone as of the moment. And him, trying to get my trust again is not so good. Of course, we had a lot of memories together but he hurt me for a couple of times. It's not easy. And it won't. And it kind of annoys me, that you've moved on already and suddenly he will arrive and try to ruin everything you've built for yourself. It sucks. And I guess I won't come back anymore. I'm happy with my life now.

I kind of liked this guy. Yes, liked. Past tense. Or maybe I still like him. I don't know. I'm trying to forget that 'like'. It's not like I love him or something. It wasn't serious. But I like how he has been there for me when I am so stress with work. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he cures my boredom, he spends his time for me even when it's until midnight. I don't know. I guess he's just being nice or something. It's just a happy crush though. Too bad everything went complicated and we don't talk to each other anymore, or maybe we are, I just don't see him in school anymore. I tend to over think things, obviously.

So things have been a little sketchy and weird. Some people just can't get over the thing that happened between me, my ex and his girl. Like seriously? It has been months or years. It's so funny that there are still questions asked from my Tumblr about what do I feel about them getting back together or whatever. I honestly don't care anymore. I mean, it hasn't been in my mind for months already. Why do some people just can't shut their mouth and try to work on their lives and not work with me? I've moved on already. And I've been having a happier life now. This will be the last time I will post something about it. People should move on, like I did. They're not involved in the situation, though. Or they are. Anyways, I've moved on, I don't care anymore. (last words)

I'll try to update this as often as I can. I've been having a lot of things in my mind and I might post all of them here. I was just busy that's why I couldn't update. I will, I swear. :)

Everything Will Soon Be Okay

I had a realization last night. I know this will be another "I have a realization today and tomorrow I'll forget about this and feel sick again". I was with a friend last night and I thought, I could really be happy, without the sad part that keeps on bothering my life. I have been finding it hard to move on and I know that it's really hard, that every single day, you think about how it used to be, and then you go to places where you went before and thought of those memories you shared, you think of those promises he made that broke your heart because he broke them. It was actually a struggle for me, every day. I would just be quiet at some moments and say, "God, I miss him." It's not like I would cry or something. I have accepted the fact that we're over. And duh, I was the one who called it quits officially because I am tired of him trying to make lame excuses just to get away from me. I have accepted that. What breaks me are those memories we've shared that continue to kill me every night, every day. They're like ghosts that haunt me. I still have lots of scrap memories in my hand. I just couldn't let them go because I would always think, "Sayang."

I was shocked when I learned that he and this girl got back together. Well, I knew it would happen, eventually. There were a lot of things that went through my mind, something good, something bad, something.. color. But then, after talking to some friends about it, I just realized, at least he'll be happy already. He'll get what he really wanted whenever the urge gets into his senses. But I am quite afraid, though. Because.. Oh my. I'm starting to laugh. Stop stop!

Okay, serious again. I just wish him the best. I hope he's happy and that he would take his words seriously even though I already heard those crappy promises he made today, before. I still feel bitter, though. I just thought. Because ours ended without any closure and all. But it's not like I would beg for a closure because duh, I won't. I just thought about it. It's funny how I still wish for best for him even though he just made crap out of me. I am just trying to be nice.

Back to what I was saying in the first paragraph, I realized that whatever happened to my past, and how hard it is for me now to move on in full state, I will still come to that point where I would be really happy without any worries, and not exactly with the love thing because as of the moment, I don't think that having a guy would make my life more meaningful. I mean, I am still not ready for that. Right now, I would really love to focus on my studies, my work, family and friends, especially now that I have my bestfriend already. I'll get pass through this. And I can say, I am doing a good job in trying to make my life better.