Never An Open Book

When you have been raised being given with all the material things on your list, people, especially parents, would always think that you’d be fine. I have observed that with people whose parents have been separated, their parents would always give their kids the things they want. I have realized that the reason why they do this is because they wanted their kids to be happy despite all the drama and pain they have caused their kids, thinking that it would somehow make up for it.

I don’t have separated parents but I have all the material things I wanted. My parents have given me everything they could give and I have always been thankful for that, no matter how much they think I’m not. If you look at it, I may have a perfect life. But I will tell you the statement that I have realized myself, no one is perfect and you won’t have it all.

No matter how gifted I am when it comes to the material things, I was never at peace. Maybe I was just eager to get these things because I wanted them to fill out the emptiness that never left me since forever. My parents would always tell me that I should be thankful that I have everything and they have given those to me. I am really thankful. It’s just sad that it seems like they think I am all “material” when they don’t even bother talking to me, in a calm way. I always have those moments where I would almost cry to my mom because of the heaviness of what I am carrying inside. But I can’t, because it’s either they would give me a sermon or they would take it differently. I think it’s because they are traditional. And they think that I could never have any problem and if I do, it would be non-sense, because I have everything in my life so what’s there to fail. So I tend to act like a strong girl in front of them, with no feelings at all, someone who looks like she doesn’t care, someone who looks like a happy-go-lucky person, which is pretty much working. But does that make me feel happy? No, not at all. There are a lot of aspects in my life in which they didn’t know I had problems with. And they didn’t know how much they have consumed me. They just don’t know things, yet it is as if I am not allowed to have problems. There are some things that I do that they don’t understand and which they always try pinning back to the material things issue. That’s a little complicated and tiring. If only they knew how I have been for the last year, it’s a good thing that I am still alive and trying my best to at least be steady. But often times, I just couldn’t carry it anymore, especially now that my life’s a little complicated. I would really love to at least get comfort from them, but if that means I will get pinned down, I’d rather not. Besides, we have never gotten into an emotional stuff so why burden them some more with what I carry? Though I think a parent-child relationship that involves being comfortable talking about your feelings is something that is very healthy and ideal. Too bad I don’t have it. Like I said, you can’t have it all.

Life Instructions

Do you know those moments when you should be the one making the decision yet people always butt in and tell you what to do? What is more annoying than experiencing that your whole life, like every single thing is dictated to you? They will always tell you to do this and do that, as if it’s their life. They don’t let you live a dangerous life, even for a little, so you get used to the safe life. Are you living your own life? Obviously, no.

Pain in the ass people. Deep breaths, deep breaths..

Fear of Speaking and Flowery Words

For a while now, I have been having a bum life, basically because I’m just waiting for my graduation to come and finding a job is not in my plans yet. I have been talking to people, personal stuff only to the few people I trust. Basically, my life has been getting by lately. I’ve been trying to find some new stuff to do but I always end up being on steady mode. And then I thought, aren’t I always? Haha.

I have been meaning to write some stuff to voice out anything that has been bugging me lately but whenever I get in front of my computer, I just black out. There are some stuff that I want to write about but after a while, I just think about how they will draw issues or conclusions to some people. So most of the time, I just shut up and let things be. I think that’s also one of the things that I have learned for the past year. The more you speak, the more drama or trouble you will get into, which reminds me of the episode of Awkward I just watched recently wherein Jenna was more close to her ex, Jake, than her boyfriend, Matty, just because she can tell Jake anything whereas to Matty, she’s scared of voicing out things that might lead him to going away or like be judged by him. There are people that we’d rather not talk to about things because they will not understand and we think that telling them things will provide greater chances of them walking away from us. It is normal that we feel this over some people but I think that is what makes us vulnerable when of comes to these people. We are so scared to spill whatever’s been in our minds that we try to avoid them. Good thing with Jenna, Matty was patient enough for her.

Things, things.. They make us crazy all the time.

I’m slightly starting to realize some stuff. People are sometimes not the ones we think they are. Not that this is related to the previous sentence, but there are things that happened lately that I never talked about. I don’t even know why, but it feels weird.

I’ve been thinking about those people who assure you about something but don’t even mean it. It’s their way of making you feel better, lessening the guilt they have for hurting you or for being different from who they are whenever they are with you. I am trying to understand their side but I can’t really think of any good reason for them doing it. It’s just really confusing when they seem to tell you they care and they will be honest to you but the next thing you know they are just doing the opposite of what they have told you. I do not understand why some people can do that. Why don’t they just tell the truth? That’s what they want, right? I just feel betrayed with all of the things that have been happening lately, the lies, the flowery words that seem to have hurtful truths behind. And what’s funny is that, you have figured it out and they still lie in front of your face, thinking that they can fool you. Oh, the shame. I don’t know if some people are just fools or they are just plain assholes. And then what’s worse is that, you didn’t expect them to lie to you after all those years or months of friendship or whatever relationship you have. But then I thought; if that’s what they want to do, then go. Do it. After all, I am known to receive any shit there is, not that it meant I care, though.

Note that there are a lot of people in my life.

Why Are You Sad Letter

2 months ago, my professor in my Audio class had us listen to this song that he produced. He wanted us to write a letter to the girl singing. There was an extra credit so I did what I can. As I as fixing my e-mail, I found the letter I made. I just feel like sharing, that's all.

Dear You,

I heard your song and it seems like you're sad, well obviously. How do you feel right now? Are you still angry? I guess when I heard your song I kind of get what you were feeling because I'd also like to say that to someone I have lost just recently. Why are you sad? What's been bothering you? If it's a heartbreak from you-know-what, then I know how it feels. It may sometimes seems to be so unfair and it may really hurt. I know it sucks, it really is. Life gives us a lot of shit. Do you just wish that it didn't happen, that you could have lived happily ever after? It sucks so much, right? I know how it feels and it's hard to accept the fact that he left and you are left there, and still wanting to try it out, that you are the only one who wants to try, like you are constantly thinking about it and you just can't help it even if it hurts so bad. Believe me, I know exactly how it feels. But I know you will get pass through it. It's really hard but it'll pass. You may really want him back but, come to think of it, do you want him to come back to you just because of pity? It won't be like before. Damage has been done and as much as you would like to fix it, some people just don't want it anymore, no matter how much you still want it. Life will always be unfair and we can't do anything about it. We just have to live with it. Try putting some time for yourself. You have been there for him, it's time to put your attention into something more important. He doesn't want it anymore. It sucks but you have to accept it and move on. Some things aren't really meant to be. It may be a great adventure but all adventures have endings. It'll pass. Everything will be okay. You will be okay. I promise you that. Go out there and explore. There are a lot of things way better than thinking about him. You will be okay.

Cola

Suitors + Parents

I don’t know why I came up with this topic even though I've been thinking about this for a few days now. I think I watched something that made me want to write about this or like my mom told me story. But oh well. I just thought about this, not even trying to talk to anyone or what, so calm yo tits.

My parents have never been the most open ones. They are the strictest people I know. They don’t allow me to do a lot of stuff but I always find ways. Haha. Anyway, most of my previous suitors never got into that usual meet-the-parents thing, basically because I never really allowed such, not that I didn’t want them to meet my parents. It’s just that I don’t like being awkward with my parents. Believe me, I’m the most awkward person ever, like an awkward penguin. Anyway, it’s not also about me being a coward for not doing something to make that happen, because I can really make that happen, did that once but my parents refused. I tried, yea. I just like testing people. And come on, do I have to be the one who should make a move about it? Do I always have to be the one who sets up everything just so the person could meet my parents? My mom talked to me once telling me that it’s okay to have suitors as long as he goes to the house. Well I guess nowadays, guys will court you without even considering first if it is legal to your parents or not. And that saddens me. I kind of wished of someone who would ask my parents if going out with me would be okay, because you know, having strict parents is scary but having a brave guy would be interesting. I just don’t want lying to my parents about something anymore. I don’t want to lie to my parents that there’s a project in school just so the guy could get the chance to go to my house or wait until my parents to go out of town so he could sit in or like be the one who gives the direction and date as to when he could come. If I tell my parents about it, it would be like “Oh you know, mom, the real project that we were working on was to make him go here and meet you, sorry that I had to lie, it was just hard for him” or like “Hi mom, I hitched with this guy just so he could know the direction from there to here, just so he could meet you and yes, I did it for him, I made it easier for him”. It’s just kind of disappointing how they couldn’t even try it themselves since they are “courting” you, that you were the one who should set and prepare things up just for them, to make it convenient for them to face your parents.

I never really made it feel important to get my parents’ approval whenever I’m having a relationship or what but it’s really important to me, being legal with my parents because they are so important to me that lying to them feels bad. But you know, the things we do for the people we love. This is cray. Haha.  Oh my thoughts.

Feelings + Going On

It took me a while to write something like this. No, I am not going to elaborate our story because I realized how it was so precious for me that I don’t like sharing. It’s like preserving a beautiful memory. I get pretty selfish like that.

It is a no-brainer that it was a precious ride with that person. I have never felt completely happy and thankful for my life than when I was with him. It was the best days of my life and I am still thankful for those. No one has ever made me feel that I deserve to be happy the way this person did. My experiences from the past and how I am kind of got into me, that I didn’t know how to handle it better. I admit that I am not the most lovable or the most expressive person when it comes to relationships. I mean, I could’ve been one, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was fear, maybe I just can’t, but being like that never changed what I felt since day one. No matter how much I get really hormonal, I am proud to say that there was never a moment that I was unsure of what I was feeling. That day.. I can still remember that day when we called it off. Our anger got into our heads pretty quickly. Maybe it was PMS for me since that time was nearing my period or maybe it was just that I was tired with all the things that’s been happening in my personal life, or maybe not. But we were so vulnerable that we took the decision of calling it off. It was sad, really. I still wish we could’ve been better than letting the anger get into us but yeah, both of us weren’t strong enough.

You see, the thing is, the way I expressed it was so minimal but my feelings should never be questioned because I know in myself that what I felt since day one have never changed. When I said that, that person is the only one, I meant it. I never had anyone other than that person. When I said ‘I love you’, I really meant it, even if it meant losing that person. When I said ‘I trust you’, I really meant it. I trusted the person, that I believed he wouldn’t hurt me.

I sometimes think if giving too much space on people is good or bad. I tend to give so much space that I tend to lose them. It’s a mind game I still haven’t mastered.

When you love a person so much, you try to give them what they want even if it’s hard for you. Dearly, I loved someone so much that even if he asked to end what we had, I let him. After all, what could I do? He used to say that the control in a relationship lies on who feels less and unfortunately, it was him. I just sometimes wonder, how could one person who used to love you, became all decided to call it off without taking in consideration what he really feels about you, that you both know you want it but the other doesn’t want to figure it out anymore. Maybe it’s just my delusion, or maybe not. I just think that there were too many beautiful things that two people were too blind to see between them but they choose to stop and separate, that there were love but they refuse to take it. Some people have no plans on quitting on people but why do people give up on them? Don’t they deserve to be fought for? It’s still a question that I have been asking myself for the last 3 years and I thought I found an answer but then, it slipped away, like before. It was too dramatic.

Imagine a scene where you are on the edge of a cliff and the person you love is holding your hand as if trying to save you. You try so hard to hold his hand so you won’t slip away and fall even if your hand is sweaty that it’s hard for him to hold you any longer. And then there’s that one point that he just gives up and lets you go no matter how you still want to live. And then you slipped. You fell. You died. You can’t go back anymore even if you want to.

The one thing that I realized in loving someone is that, no matter how much it hurts you, the good things are still what matters the most, well that’s for me. And just as I was typing this, I saw a photo on my Facebook timeline saying, “Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason why it will.” I guess the universe agrees with me. Maybe that’s why I never give up on people, because I always believe that as long as I love the person, I would always like to fix it, even if it’s one-sided, even if it’s hard, even if it’s really complicated. When things get really bad, when there are too many reasons to give up, there will always be that one reason I always choose- my love for the person. It would be better if the other person feels the same, but if not, then that’s just too bad.

I believe that in the recent relationship I had, official or not, I believed in it, that it would be better than before. And it was. I think at some point we both became selfish but I think it’s safe to say that I have never spilled out how I get hurt most of the time. I chose not to say it, not only because I have a hard time speaking out but also because I chose to forgive and forget. I chose all the good things we had over some bad things we were having. I was never expressive in relationships. I admit that. But I hope it wasn’t a reason for it to end. My feelings never changed since that night he first kissed me. And no, there was never another one, just him, always. I sometimes think why it wasn’t the same for him, you know, forgiving and forgetting the bad things and choosing the good part and believing in me, reminding himself of the trust he gave me that I will make it right, reminding himself of when he told me he’ll hold on to that. But I guess people will always leave you. They will just think they don’t want anymore and just give up, no matter how much you try to win them back or no matter how many good things there were. I will never understand that. One minute you were still trying and then the next, one just gives up. It just kind of really sucks when you were the one who is given up on. It really makes you think how you will never be good enough for others; especially to those people you think are perfect. But then, I realized just by watching Iron Man 3 that, there will always be that one person you don’t have to try getting his attention because you will always be perfect for him, no matter how flawed you think you are. I am not really into that realization since I stopped believing that there is that one person for me after that thing in 2011 but I am slightly believing in that since my best friend keeps on injecting that to my brain, in a good way. Though I wished that person I had a relationship recently would prove that to me, but oh well. People are people. I understand that there’s nothing left to save, I know that and I totally understand. Still cheers to all the good things and to the brighter side. Life must go on and I will keep rolling.