Why Complicate?

It has been a while since I last wrote something. It’s not exactly that I have been busy with things but it is because over the past months, I have been keeping things to myself and letting it fade, which I don’t know if it’s working. I’ve also been trying to keep my life private and personal, especially the status of the mental and emotional aspects of it. I have been constantly talking to only two people though about those stuff.

I have been working hard to improve myself lately and I had this one-on-one thing with some guy and we got to talk about relationships. It is somehow related to what my friend and me talked about. I am kind of analyzing the situation of “I like you but we can’t be together”.

I have been thinking that if two people like or love each other, what’s there to go in between? I couldn’t understand how things have to take and meddle into a relationship that is supposed to be strong and bonded. What could go wrong if you two feel the same or if there is something that is so special about your relationship? It has to work, isn’t it; no matter how things get difficult?

One of my friends once told, “Both of you look stupid. You know you still want each other but you’re not together” I thought, point taken! How can one decision or choice could be so complicated if you can just say, “you like me, I like you, let’s be together!” Why complicate things with “Oh we can’t be together, you have to be like this, you have to be like that. You’re too like this, you’re too like that,” if you can just shut your whines and figure it out together? You don’t always have to be dramatic and try to ruin the precious thing you have there.

It is not applicable if there is abuse, though, because seriously, it is not love if there is abuse.

It’s not me being all positive with relationships and all. I just observed. My beliefs and say about my own stays with me privately and can only be known if you ask me personally. Hah.

Why Are You Sad Letter

2 months ago, my professor in my Audio class had us listen to this song that he produced. He wanted us to write a letter to the girl singing. There was an extra credit so I did what I can. As I as fixing my e-mail, I found the letter I made. I just feel like sharing, that's all.

Dear You,

I heard your song and it seems like you're sad, well obviously. How do you feel right now? Are you still angry? I guess when I heard your song I kind of get what you were feeling because I'd also like to say that to someone I have lost just recently. Why are you sad? What's been bothering you? If it's a heartbreak from you-know-what, then I know how it feels. It may sometimes seems to be so unfair and it may really hurt. I know it sucks, it really is. Life gives us a lot of shit. Do you just wish that it didn't happen, that you could have lived happily ever after? It sucks so much, right? I know how it feels and it's hard to accept the fact that he left and you are left there, and still wanting to try it out, that you are the only one who wants to try, like you are constantly thinking about it and you just can't help it even if it hurts so bad. Believe me, I know exactly how it feels. But I know you will get pass through it. It's really hard but it'll pass. You may really want him back but, come to think of it, do you want him to come back to you just because of pity? It won't be like before. Damage has been done and as much as you would like to fix it, some people just don't want it anymore, no matter how much you still want it. Life will always be unfair and we can't do anything about it. We just have to live with it. Try putting some time for yourself. You have been there for him, it's time to put your attention into something more important. He doesn't want it anymore. It sucks but you have to accept it and move on. Some things aren't really meant to be. It may be a great adventure but all adventures have endings. It'll pass. Everything will be okay. You will be okay. I promise you that. Go out there and explore. There are a lot of things way better than thinking about him. You will be okay.

Cola

Suitors + Parents

I don’t know why I came up with this topic even though I've been thinking about this for a few days now. I think I watched something that made me want to write about this or like my mom told me story. But oh well. I just thought about this, not even trying to talk to anyone or what, so calm yo tits.

My parents have never been the most open ones. They are the strictest people I know. They don’t allow me to do a lot of stuff but I always find ways. Haha. Anyway, most of my previous suitors never got into that usual meet-the-parents thing, basically because I never really allowed such, not that I didn’t want them to meet my parents. It’s just that I don’t like being awkward with my parents. Believe me, I’m the most awkward person ever, like an awkward penguin. Anyway, it’s not also about me being a coward for not doing something to make that happen, because I can really make that happen, did that once but my parents refused. I tried, yea. I just like testing people. And come on, do I have to be the one who should make a move about it? Do I always have to be the one who sets up everything just so the person could meet my parents? My mom talked to me once telling me that it’s okay to have suitors as long as he goes to the house. Well I guess nowadays, guys will court you without even considering first if it is legal to your parents or not. And that saddens me. I kind of wished of someone who would ask my parents if going out with me would be okay, because you know, having strict parents is scary but having a brave guy would be interesting. I just don’t want lying to my parents about something anymore. I don’t want to lie to my parents that there’s a project in school just so the guy could get the chance to go to my house or wait until my parents to go out of town so he could sit in or like be the one who gives the direction and date as to when he could come. If I tell my parents about it, it would be like “Oh you know, mom, the real project that we were working on was to make him go here and meet you, sorry that I had to lie, it was just hard for him” or like “Hi mom, I hitched with this guy just so he could know the direction from there to here, just so he could meet you and yes, I did it for him, I made it easier for him”. It’s just kind of disappointing how they couldn’t even try it themselves since they are “courting” you, that you were the one who should set and prepare things up just for them, to make it convenient for them to face your parents.

I never really made it feel important to get my parents’ approval whenever I’m having a relationship or what but it’s really important to me, being legal with my parents because they are so important to me that lying to them feels bad. But you know, the things we do for the people we love. This is cray. Haha.  Oh my thoughts.

Feelings + Going On

It took me a while to write something like this. No, I am not going to elaborate our story because I realized how it was so precious for me that I don’t like sharing. It’s like preserving a beautiful memory. I get pretty selfish like that.

It is a no-brainer that it was a precious ride with that person. I have never felt completely happy and thankful for my life than when I was with him. It was the best days of my life and I am still thankful for those. No one has ever made me feel that I deserve to be happy the way this person did. My experiences from the past and how I am kind of got into me, that I didn’t know how to handle it better. I admit that I am not the most lovable or the most expressive person when it comes to relationships. I mean, I could’ve been one, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was fear, maybe I just can’t, but being like that never changed what I felt since day one. No matter how much I get really hormonal, I am proud to say that there was never a moment that I was unsure of what I was feeling. That day.. I can still remember that day when we called it off. Our anger got into our heads pretty quickly. Maybe it was PMS for me since that time was nearing my period or maybe it was just that I was tired with all the things that’s been happening in my personal life, or maybe not. But we were so vulnerable that we took the decision of calling it off. It was sad, really. I still wish we could’ve been better than letting the anger get into us but yeah, both of us weren’t strong enough.

You see, the thing is, the way I expressed it was so minimal but my feelings should never be questioned because I know in myself that what I felt since day one have never changed. When I said that, that person is the only one, I meant it. I never had anyone other than that person. When I said ‘I love you’, I really meant it, even if it meant losing that person. When I said ‘I trust you’, I really meant it. I trusted the person, that I believed he wouldn’t hurt me.

I sometimes think if giving too much space on people is good or bad. I tend to give so much space that I tend to lose them. It’s a mind game I still haven’t mastered.

When you love a person so much, you try to give them what they want even if it’s hard for you. Dearly, I loved someone so much that even if he asked to end what we had, I let him. After all, what could I do? He used to say that the control in a relationship lies on who feels less and unfortunately, it was him. I just sometimes wonder, how could one person who used to love you, became all decided to call it off without taking in consideration what he really feels about you, that you both know you want it but the other doesn’t want to figure it out anymore. Maybe it’s just my delusion, or maybe not. I just think that there were too many beautiful things that two people were too blind to see between them but they choose to stop and separate, that there were love but they refuse to take it. Some people have no plans on quitting on people but why do people give up on them? Don’t they deserve to be fought for? It’s still a question that I have been asking myself for the last 3 years and I thought I found an answer but then, it slipped away, like before. It was too dramatic.

Imagine a scene where you are on the edge of a cliff and the person you love is holding your hand as if trying to save you. You try so hard to hold his hand so you won’t slip away and fall even if your hand is sweaty that it’s hard for him to hold you any longer. And then there’s that one point that he just gives up and lets you go no matter how you still want to live. And then you slipped. You fell. You died. You can’t go back anymore even if you want to.

The one thing that I realized in loving someone is that, no matter how much it hurts you, the good things are still what matters the most, well that’s for me. And just as I was typing this, I saw a photo on my Facebook timeline saying, “Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason why it will.” I guess the universe agrees with me. Maybe that’s why I never give up on people, because I always believe that as long as I love the person, I would always like to fix it, even if it’s one-sided, even if it’s hard, even if it’s really complicated. When things get really bad, when there are too many reasons to give up, there will always be that one reason I always choose- my love for the person. It would be better if the other person feels the same, but if not, then that’s just too bad.

I believe that in the recent relationship I had, official or not, I believed in it, that it would be better than before. And it was. I think at some point we both became selfish but I think it’s safe to say that I have never spilled out how I get hurt most of the time. I chose not to say it, not only because I have a hard time speaking out but also because I chose to forgive and forget. I chose all the good things we had over some bad things we were having. I was never expressive in relationships. I admit that. But I hope it wasn’t a reason for it to end. My feelings never changed since that night he first kissed me. And no, there was never another one, just him, always. I sometimes think why it wasn’t the same for him, you know, forgiving and forgetting the bad things and choosing the good part and believing in me, reminding himself of the trust he gave me that I will make it right, reminding himself of when he told me he’ll hold on to that. But I guess people will always leave you. They will just think they don’t want anymore and just give up, no matter how much you try to win them back or no matter how many good things there were. I will never understand that. One minute you were still trying and then the next, one just gives up. It just kind of really sucks when you were the one who is given up on. It really makes you think how you will never be good enough for others; especially to those people you think are perfect. But then, I realized just by watching Iron Man 3 that, there will always be that one person you don’t have to try getting his attention because you will always be perfect for him, no matter how flawed you think you are. I am not really into that realization since I stopped believing that there is that one person for me after that thing in 2011 but I am slightly believing in that since my best friend keeps on injecting that to my brain, in a good way. Though I wished that person I had a relationship recently would prove that to me, but oh well. People are people. I understand that there’s nothing left to save, I know that and I totally understand. Still cheers to all the good things and to the brighter side. Life must go on and I will keep rolling.

It's Fine

I guess some things aren't really meant to be. It sucks how life gets tough on you almost everytime. But I guess that's what's really going to happen if you try to push someone away just because you are scared. It sucks when history seems to repeat itself, that what happened in the past may seem to be happening again, only that you tried to fix it sooner than before. The more I tried to push people away because of my fear of getting hurt, the more I did hurt myself. My walls got really high that when I tried to look on the other side of it, no one was there anymore, just footprints.

It's like seeing a dress in a store. You fell in love the first time you laid your eyes on it. You had the money but you're trying to save it. So you tried to gather some more but when you came back, it was gone. It was a nice dress, something that would really look good on you, but it was gone. You lost your chance.

I tried my best to bring it back but it was all too late. It was a great adventure but not all adventures last the way we want them to. And I guess when you said that you did love me, you really did love me. I just never thought it would fade that soon.

I am hurting, a lot. But it'll pass. I'm sure it will. And it's fine, because somewhere along the road, I know it'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I will be okay.

Day 3

Since I know no one views this, I guess I need to let this out. I am hurting, a lot. And it fcking sucks that we have gone to this. I knew this point will happen, because it's a cycle but it's so damn hard when you know something better could've happened, like you could've been better and he could've understood you well. I know I have a lot of shortcomings and I could've been better. What saddens me the most is the fact that you have to let go of someone you knew would be worth it, someone you knew was the best.

It's so hard when you used to be there together for each other but you are there now, separated.  Like you used to hold hands and now you just don't want to hold each other's. Like you used to be so happy but things got so complicated and you weren't strong enough for the both of you. It's a massive torture that you will have to face every single day until you get better. I just wish I can fast forward.

I am hurting, a lot. The feeling that I have long avoided. Sometimes, I think, what if I didn't build walls, what if I went with the flow and just didn't try to sabotage what's making me happy and what I deserved. I tried to push you away because I am scared to get hurt but it still hurt me, especially you. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

My thoughts are jumbled.

I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now, Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me, And it's taking me to somewhere new

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well, Since the last time that we spoke, you said "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."

What a night it is, when you live like this, All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now, You know, I still can't believe we both did some things, I don't even wanna think about, Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want anybody else to feel this way"

I'll admit I was wrong about everything, Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down, All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even wanna think about.

I'm not strong enough for the both of us, What was I supposed to do, You know I love you.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I don't really know why I am writing this.

It really bothers me especially every time I wake up and those emotional times before I fall asleep at night. I constantly think how it's hard for me every time some conflict comes up and I just don't want to spit it all out because it'll always be my fault and I will always look fool and stuff. I mean it's hard for me that I feel like I am alone here and I have to carry everything by myself because revealing it all will make things worse. Saying "I'm sorry, it was my fault, let's be okay" has been hard for me especially because I tend to tell it most of the times to avoid being hostile and to avoid countless statements that would make me feel like I've never done anything right because I have to forget about my side and always take the other's side first.

I don't know. It's just.. hard to take it all to yourself and not being able to communicate freely to the other party and not being able to be understood just like you were supposed to be understood. Or maybe I don't really deserve to be understood. I don't know. Bottom line is, it gives me pain how much I want to be free in telling how I feel but I can't because the other party so special to me that it also hurts me fighting with.. yeah.

How Does It Really Work?

Certain things have happened and I don't really know what to think or rather what to feel. Things happened way too fast that I wasn't really prepared of what I was going into which resulted to me feeling what I am feeling right now. I have long admitted that I am scared but I don't know if the people around me or if the person involved knows how much the degree of my fear is. I'm still fighting with the thoughts that are clouding through my head, especially those that my friends would say. I'm still constantly thinking of what ifs and things that I had myself believe in order not to get hurt again. And even if that I have heard the "it's going to be okay" line for a couple of times already, I am still scared and I still couldn't stop thinking about negative things.

I've never wanted to admit what I feel because I think that if I do, it would make things a lot worse. But things aren't worse. Things aren't even bad. I'm just the one who's thinking that it is because I admit that I am that scared. And now that I am starting to consider that 'stopping' could be one of my choices just so nothing gets bad, I couldn't think if it's going to be right. I know myself well. I know that if I give in to this, it'll only make me weak, that it will overpower the whole me and that I'm going to be miserable. But if I let this go, would it make me happy? Part of me wants to say yes because I would save myself from future pain and I would even save him from miserable me in the future. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I think that if I tell the person any of this, he will get angry or think that I am getting so dramatic again. My friend told me that if he does get mad, he's not worth it. How does it really work? I'm getting tired thinking of all these things but I can't let this debate go. I still have to decide. I just don't know if I should decide on my own or decide with this person.

Status: Loading

Just recently, I celebrated my anniversary of "singleness". Yes, I never had a boyfriend since my ex who is, I think, really happy right now, and I broke up. Don't get me wrong. I'm also happy for him.

So, what's really the status of my heart right now? In my previous post, I blogged about this guy I like who's not talking to me. And since that time, my heart's lie-low with everything.

A lot of things happened these past months which, made me realize a lot of things. I was surrounded with a lot of break ups and people with love problems. Looking at those people made me think more that love is so overrated. Don't get me wrong. This is just my opinion.

You meet a guy, you fall in love, you break apart. Isn't that always what happens in "love" or even liking someone? You lower your guard down, which is so hard, and then sooner, you'll feel crap and shit because one of you stops trying. That has been my mindset for the past year.

A lot of people are telling me that you'll never know unless you try, that not all are the same. Yeah, maybe not all are the same but the feelings you will feel will always be the same. You'll feel so happy that someone loves you and you love this person also. And later on, you'll feel crap and shit when things start to get weird. You'll never know unless you try, yeah maybe. But the things that will happen will always be the same, maybe not in the same way but the bottom line will always be the same. You will always get hurt.

I never liked the feeling of getting hurt (yeah who does). I never liked the feeling of wanting your friends to be always around because not having them will make you feel so lonely, like you struggle so hard not to think of those things. And you wait all day long because you're hoping he would send you a text message or whatever. Hate-st feeling ever! I hate it when you don't know what to do or how you're going to continue your life from where you left it. It's so weird.

Love has been too cheesy for me. I still get kilig with the small things people do but most of the times, it makes me feel sick. Even I don't like expressing my positive feelings to others. Actions have always been better than words. Well I guess my pride's too high to appreciate the big things.

For the past months, I tried to open my heart to some guys but no one ever made my heart melt. I guess the wall that I built for the past year is too hard to break. Although I've been talking to guys and hanging out with them, my feelings were never different. They're just the usual friendship feelings. The problem with this is, people always misunderstood my actions. Even I don't know if my actions are, you know.. Maybe I've become that numb.

But, there were two people who, apparently, caught me. It wasn't that serious and it lasted for just a couple of weeks but it made me realize a lot of things. They may look real but no, nothing's real in the world right now. And I was glad I got to know these two people.

So yeah, I'm not exactly looking for someone who would break my heart or make me oh so happy. But who knows? Someone might you know.. Haha!

A Story

Let me tell you a story that has been occupying my mind for quite some time now. I’ve been keeping this private since it started. Why, mainly because I wanted to protect him from my not-so perfect life. But, since I know that everything won’t be the same anymore, I decided to let it all out.

I entered college feeling a little off with how my life goes for me. We all have lived that feeling especially when we just had a break up with someone we like. This new environment made me more comfortable, though, because I’ve always believed that college is something opposite to what high school is, that there will be less drama and people don’t care about you. I enjoyed my life as classes went on. Organizations, classes with block mates, and a complicated love life. Some guy came back to me during our earlier days in college but went MIA before midterms. It was probably for the best. I tried to settle my life with what I have and try to be active in everything I do. I spent most of my time with my block mates and our daily dinner, as what I can conclude, started everything I will talk about next.

Being with someone almost everyday God made, can lead to a lot of things and even the person with the strongest wall is no exception. We’ve been spending dinners with our block mates then we started texting. I can’t really remember how we started texting but we did. Our first hang out outside school was when I told him I haven’t tried riding the LRT/MRT. He asked me if I wanted to go out and try it. I said yes. It was just a friendly date. I didn’t even consider it a ‘date’. It was a super fun day. We rode the LRT and went from place to place just so I could experience riding the train.

We talked to each other, everyday. Since I am a member of an events production organization, and he is a member of a singing group in school, we both go home late. My condominium is three establishments away from school. It was close but walking to my condo at night is a little scary so, he would always walk me home.

We would hang out whenever we’re free. We would sit beside each other during events we’re required to attend. We would eat whenever someone’s hungry. We do almost everything together and with some of our block mates.

One time, he asked me if I wanted to watch Inception. He watched it already but apparently, he had two free tickets and since I wasn’t busy, I said yes. We went all the way to SM Megamall just to watch it. I can still remember that he was wearing a red polo shirt. I am quite good with remembering things like those. I was in doubt at first because whenever I get to be with someone in a place like that, I usually get ‘ilang’ afterwards. But to my surprise, I didn’t feel that.

Aside from texting and hanging out, we would also chat each other. One time, he introduced me to his brother through Yahoo! Messenger. He was really cute, a mini me of him. His brother even made a note that says, “Hi Ate Cola!” It was really cute.

When we had our LRT/MRT trip, I saw a picture of him way back in high school. I asked him if I could have it. But he didn’t really want me to. I kept on asking him for it and he wouldn’t really give it. But he gave up later on. He gave it to me and just like what I do whenever someone gives me his picture; I glued it in my planner. He wrote some kind of a poem beside his picture. I tried to dig into the meaning of it but it was just so deep.

Whenever I have food cravings, I really can’t get over them until I get to have them. I once craved for Fire Floss bread from Bread Talk and the next day, he bought me some.

I didn’t really feel that there was something that’s going on. Maybe because I was on lie low with having a romantic relationship with someone. But one Sunday afternoon, he confessed something to me. I was shocked when I read those words. I never thought he would feel something like that for me. Who would even think there was something? I didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t really over with my guy yet. He was like a man who is really goal-oriented. We were block mates. And then he liked me. I was really scared. I kept telling him before he confessed his feelings for me that having someone you like is just a stress in life. But then again, he liked me.

After that afternoon, nothing really changed. We would still hang out, have dinners together, this time alone. Maybe what changed is how he treated me. It wasn’t the usual friendly stuff anymore. He’d treat me like there was really something. We would eat my food cravings, he would download the episodes I watch, he would bring me food and force me to eat them whenever I don’t want to eat, he would surprise me with something when I least expect it. He does things, which girls would love to experience. It was like a dream come true for me to have someone like him.

I can’t say I never felt something because I really did. But I didn’t want to let it out because it’ll ruin everything and I wasn’t really sure of what I am feeling.

During our organization’s LTTS (our organizations are both part of the Cultural Arts Office) in which both of them had the three-day seminar together, I didn’t join. At night, when everyone else was having some bonding time with one another, he would call me and then we would talk for hours. I was told that his smile was like reaching his ears and he was smiling throughout our conversation. I have to admit, I was really flattered.

There was an event for PUSO (parents’ organization) where I was the only production crew and he was the only performer. We were there, doing our own jobs. It was raining so hard even when the event ended already. We didn’t know how we are going home since there was a little flood in front of our school’s gate. We didn’t know the way we could go home until a parent from PUSO offered us a ride. When we were waiting for the car to arrive, I was really cold and wet. I was like chilling. Then he hugged me to ease the coldness. The parent dropped us in front of my condo. It was quite an adventure for us.

I am not really sure when did this happen but there was a time when I ate something from our school’s canteen, which made me really sick for days. I had stomach ache for two days straight. I asked the clinic for medicines but I think I took the wrong medicines. Then one day, when we were in our building’s lobby, I felt the need to vomit. And so, I vomited. I was wearing his jacket so I kind of vomited in it. I was trying to apologize since it’s really gross. He walked me to the clinic and the nurse said I should sleep in. He told me to stay and sleep and he needed to go back to their office. When I woke up, he was outside my cubicle. And little did I know that when I was sleeping, he went in to check me. It’s really a great feeling when you know that someone’s taking really good care of you. It somehow made me realize that not all guys are the same. Well I think we would always think that way whenever we get to meet someone who really knows how to make us happy.

We were required to take some NSTP classes. We had this two exposure trips where we have to go to a community and spend some time with a family from the community. We were partners. And what did I do? I just slept on his shoulder the whole time. I even broke his baller.

I’ve heard the wish about 11:11s but I never really believed it. He’s the one who taught me to wish on 11:11s. I still do, until now.

He has been a really good best friend, a partner, a teammate and a lover. He does a lot of things that make me really happy. I also have to admit that although I was confused with what I am feeling and scared at the same time, the feeling gets stronger and stronger as each day passes by. I was happy, happier than I thought I would be. I have never felt that happiness in a long time. Everything was such an adventure.

But aside from all those positive sides of our story, negatives will never fail to distract us. We started having problems, some are personal and some are about us. I started thinking and feeling that I’ve becoming too dependent into him. I’ve been relying to him and I started to forget my own responsibilities. He was doing everything for me, including the things that I should do myself. I started to become useless. Then my block mates also started to tell me that he’s been acting weird, like the leadership he has are somehow fading. And his attention was focused on me. He would sometimes feel awkward with the guys I talk to even if they’re his friends. Maybe his too much love for me wasn’t really a good idea after all.

I wanted to lie low for a bit. But every time I do, he does things that make it even harder for me, like he would tell me things, which my conscience couldn’t take. At that same time, my ex tried talking to me again. And then later on tried to get things back with me. I had to choose. Is it the guy who have hurt me all the time and whom I am not over with yet or the guy who does beautiful things for me? I didn’t want anyone to get hurt but someone has to. I am a girl and sometimes, most of the times, girls tend to choose the things they are vulnerable in. So I chose my ex. Yes, I knew the consequences that he might do the things he have done to me again. But I didn’t want to start something with a new guy knowing that I still haven’t buried the ghost yet. It was never easy for me to choose. I didn’t want to hurt anybody. But at that point, I was so fragile that I took the one whom I like more at the moment.

I tried things just so it won’t affect our friendship. I still talk to him, I still hang out with him. It’s like what we were earlier before he started to treat me as his special someone. He kept on telling me that he’s happy for me, that he’ll wait and that he loves me so much even if it hurts to just think of it. As for my side, I had to stop what I was feeling for him. In order to not hurt my boyfriend, I had to. I know it would hurt him.

I will never forget my 17^th birthday where he arranged a little surprise for me. He gathered around my block mates so they can surprise me with some ‘Happy Birthday’. It was the best birthday so far. He gave me a letter that contains some words like “forever” and “you’re the last girl”. I didn’t know what to feel. I never believed in promises. But his letter was something that contains a lot of it. It was really heavy. I don’t know if he would keep those but I somehow felt grateful that someone is trying to prove to me that even though things didn’t work for us well, he still won’t give up.

He never failed to be there for me even if I had to stop what we had. Whenever I am sad, he was always there. In normal times, I would really think that he would let it all go and be a stranger for me but no, he didn’t. He stayed even though it didn’t work for the two of us. I was really grateful. But as time goes by, I became really busy with my guy. It wasn’t too long when my guy and me had problems, which lead to our break up. During those times, I barely talk to people. I only talk to people whom I hang out with everyday. I didn’t want to get my phone and try telling people my story because it’ll only make me more sad and lonely. He tried talking to me through text messages but I didn’t reply a single message. I was too embarrassed to talk to him. I didn’t want to hear an ‘I told you so’ I didn’t want to hear some ‘It’s your fault’ I didn’t want him to think how fool I am to choose that guy who would always hurt me. And so I tried to stay away.

For the next months, I tried moving on. I tried to text him thrice to say my apologies and explain for myself. He would always say it’s okay, but it actually doesn’t look like it. He was being cold. I can’t blame him. I didn’t also want to force him to act normal with me since there had been a lot of things that happened. I miss him. And I wanted to go back to when I hadn’t lost him but I can’t. I didn’t want to bother him because I didn’t want him to think that just because I lost my boyfriend means I would make him my rebound. So I tried to fix myself first before I try to fix us. I wanted to be sure of what I am feeling. I wanted to see if this was only for the moment or if this was really true. I wanted to figure things out.

It was after half a year when I tried to open up my door again. I tried to plan things just so we can work things out. But the guy has moved on. I wanted to make it up to him so bad but he just wouldn’t let me. Maybe I was just really late. Maybe second chances have their own schedules and too bad I didn’t have mine for this situation. I wanted to show him that I don’t want to give up but he told me to just stop it, that he had went back to his normal life and I can’t do anything about it. I didn’t want to force him so I understood what he wants.

This happened in the season of my birthday. I don’t want to say that it ruined my birthday since I also appreciate how my friends tried to cheer the day up. But during my debut did I saw myself waiting for something to come. I tried to look even for the smallest positive feeling that maybe, just maybe, he might be there when I enter the hall. I was hoping that when I entered that door, he would see me wearing my pink gown, all dolled up, and have grown as a woman. I was hoping that he would get the last rose and dance with me. But he wasn’t there. I told myself, “The night’s not done yet. He might arrive anytime soon” But no, he didn’t. I never saw a sign of him arriving. I was happy because everyone was there to celebrate my birthday with me but because sometimes, when we hoped for something to happen and it didn’t come true, we get really disappointed. But I understood his reason. I just hope that that is the only reason.

I wanted for us to talk so I can try to make him feel that I am really sorry but he made up excuses just so we couldn’t talk. I didn’t force him to make some time for me because it’ll only make things worse. So instead of waiting for him to tell me when we can talk (which I know won’t be happening), I wrote a letter. That letter contains every thing I wanted to tell him. That letter had the little hope in me but it didn’t make anything better. There was a line in the letter where I said, “Go on with your life and I’ll go on with mine but that doesn’t mean I will give up. I will still be waiting.” Exactly one year ago, I was reading a letter from a guy who loves me so much. This time, I was the one writing a letter to that same guy. The difference is, feelings have been altered.

It was the tensions of things that make me want to stay and still wait for something that might never happen. One minute I had him and the next, I lost him. One minute he’s making an effort and the next, I am the one making it. It’s true that you’ll never know what you have ‘til it’s gone. And it’s too bad that it had to take a year for me to realize, make a move and fight for what I used to have. I am not saying I will wait forever because we know that there’s no such thing as forever but I want to do this because I want to. I want to do this just like what he failed to do when he promised he would. It’s silly that I actually believed in those promises. But as long as I can, I will continue what he had left before. It might not be a happy ending in the end but at least I tried.

Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I won’t love you. – Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl Season 5