Never An Open Book

When you have been raised being given with all the material things on your list, people, especially parents, would always think that you’d be fine. I have observed that with people whose parents have been separated, their parents would always give their kids the things they want. I have realized that the reason why they do this is because they wanted their kids to be happy despite all the drama and pain they have caused their kids, thinking that it would somehow make up for it.

I don’t have separated parents but I have all the material things I wanted. My parents have given me everything they could give and I have always been thankful for that, no matter how much they think I’m not. If you look at it, I may have a perfect life. But I will tell you the statement that I have realized myself, no one is perfect and you won’t have it all.

No matter how gifted I am when it comes to the material things, I was never at peace. Maybe I was just eager to get these things because I wanted them to fill out the emptiness that never left me since forever. My parents would always tell me that I should be thankful that I have everything and they have given those to me. I am really thankful. It’s just sad that it seems like they think I am all “material” when they don’t even bother talking to me, in a calm way. I always have those moments where I would almost cry to my mom because of the heaviness of what I am carrying inside. But I can’t, because it’s either they would give me a sermon or they would take it differently. I think it’s because they are traditional. And they think that I could never have any problem and if I do, it would be non-sense, because I have everything in my life so what’s there to fail. So I tend to act like a strong girl in front of them, with no feelings at all, someone who looks like she doesn’t care, someone who looks like a happy-go-lucky person, which is pretty much working. But does that make me feel happy? No, not at all. There are a lot of aspects in my life in which they didn’t know I had problems with. And they didn’t know how much they have consumed me. They just don’t know things, yet it is as if I am not allowed to have problems. There are some things that I do that they don’t understand and which they always try pinning back to the material things issue. That’s a little complicated and tiring. If only they knew how I have been for the last year, it’s a good thing that I am still alive and trying my best to at least be steady. But often times, I just couldn’t carry it anymore, especially now that my life’s a little complicated. I would really love to at least get comfort from them, but if that means I will get pinned down, I’d rather not. Besides, we have never gotten into an emotional stuff so why burden them some more with what I carry? Though I think a parent-child relationship that involves being comfortable talking about your feelings is something that is very healthy and ideal. Too bad I don’t have it. Like I said, you can’t have it all.

Homesick

I've been thinking a lot lately with things I should not be thinking. I don't know. It's like my sickness. I always over think things and so it lead me to something I don't really want to feel.

So classes just started. I moved to a new condo, which my mom furnished. I really feel sad for my mom. We spent a lot for the things in the condo. From the dining, to my bed, to the accessories in it. And to think that my mom would go there almost everyday to fix stuff, and she would treat the worker to a lunch or snack or whatever. There are a lot of expenses aside from the condo and I feel really sad. I would see my mom with the sad face and I know and I can feel that she has so many problems about money, especially this month because it's enrollment month. My dad's work isn't really in demand at the moment so he don't get his salary that much. There are times that I wanted to cry because I really feel that mom's really bothered and tired. I would just hug her or make her smile because I don't want her being sad. I can't stand it. It's like the pain I feel whenever I am in an argument with someone I love (romance). I even cried on my first night in my new condo because I really miss her, and I want to be with her. I would always go their house every night to watch some telenovelas with her in the bed and go back to our house when I want to sleep already. It’s actually the first time I cried over my mom, because I want to be with her in years. The last time was when I was in my 1st grade. It was when a lover of mine sat beside me the whole day and I felt really scared. After that day, I usually cry in school because I want my mom beside me. I even had a picture of her in my table in school. I can say that as I grew up, I’ve grown away from my mom, I mean we still spend some time but not that much anymore. We became really close again, just last year. I guess because I’ve been away from her every weekday that I would miss her. I’ve never been this sentimental about my mom, but as of now, I can really feel that I love her, that I can really feel how much she loves me by doing things to make me happy. She’s the best mom in the whole wide world! I really miss her, like Oh my fucking gosh I miss her like hell! I feel really homesick. I miss my dad also and Sab, my niece.