What To Do

Even as a kid, I've always wanted to do a lot of things. I wanted to be an interior designer, a doctor, an editor-in-chief, I wanted to be so successful. My mind has been like that ever since. I wanted to do a lot of things but I never had a clear and stable view of who I wanted to be, just a successful woman on top of the world. I must say that I am one of those people who call themselves "jack of all trades, master of none". It sounds like a perfect description of ones' self because you know a lot of things, but it's quite sad how you can't call yourself a master of something. It's hard to get a hold of yourself and the life that is ahead of you when you are lost on what you can do, and what your really want to do. One minute you want to be so passionate about something, but on the other, you are there, feeling lost again. It's advisable to figure it out at an early age, but is that really something that is right to do? I mean what should you really do?

Old Self

My best friend and I always talk on the phone whenever I feel a little whatever and every time we do, I always get something or realize something that I have forgotten for a while.

Just recently, we talked about my old self. She said how she misses the Cola back in high school. And then I thought, yeah, it kind of makes sense.

Back in the days, I am always fond of doing a lot of things. I educate myself when it comes to my graphic design, take a lot of photos of different things, talk to almost everybody, write as much as I could about many different things, blog my days away. Everything has been my habit and I admit how I was pretty happy that time, with all of the things I am doing and with everything that has been happening to me despite some negative things that usually happen. I was like this happy-go-lucky girl who was never afraid of taking risks, loving and letting go. As much as I don’t want to admit it, things changed when I stepped into college. College is the best thing that happened to me, it’s just different back in high school, maybe because I was innocent back then. It made me thinking that, I also miss those times when I was so eager to do a lot of things and I am motivated every day to learn more. I miss those times when I am not afraid of anything and I just go with whatever that makes me happy. It’s a different feeling when you know that you are not afraid and that you can easily get through stuff.

I kind of want that Cola back but it’s just different this time. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ll be totally out of my comfort zone soon and it makes me more scared. Or maybe because I got drained with all the fun and work in college because you know, I kind of intended to bury myself with a lot of work to gain experience. Or maybe I just grew up and I'm just over-thinking things right now, like maybe I got better right now, like more mature, I just don't see it, because I was a kid back then and being a kid will always be fun.

But yeah, college is still better, forevs.

Status: Loading

Just recently, I celebrated my anniversary of "singleness". Yes, I never had a boyfriend since my ex who is, I think, really happy right now, and I broke up. Don't get me wrong. I'm also happy for him.

So, what's really the status of my heart right now? In my previous post, I blogged about this guy I like who's not talking to me. And since that time, my heart's lie-low with everything.

A lot of things happened these past months which, made me realize a lot of things. I was surrounded with a lot of break ups and people with love problems. Looking at those people made me think more that love is so overrated. Don't get me wrong. This is just my opinion.

You meet a guy, you fall in love, you break apart. Isn't that always what happens in "love" or even liking someone? You lower your guard down, which is so hard, and then sooner, you'll feel crap and shit because one of you stops trying. That has been my mindset for the past year.

A lot of people are telling me that you'll never know unless you try, that not all are the same. Yeah, maybe not all are the same but the feelings you will feel will always be the same. You'll feel so happy that someone loves you and you love this person also. And later on, you'll feel crap and shit when things start to get weird. You'll never know unless you try, yeah maybe. But the things that will happen will always be the same, maybe not in the same way but the bottom line will always be the same. You will always get hurt.

I never liked the feeling of getting hurt (yeah who does). I never liked the feeling of wanting your friends to be always around because not having them will make you feel so lonely, like you struggle so hard not to think of those things. And you wait all day long because you're hoping he would send you a text message or whatever. Hate-st feeling ever! I hate it when you don't know what to do or how you're going to continue your life from where you left it. It's so weird.

Love has been too cheesy for me. I still get kilig with the small things people do but most of the times, it makes me feel sick. Even I don't like expressing my positive feelings to others. Actions have always been better than words. Well I guess my pride's too high to appreciate the big things.

For the past months, I tried to open my heart to some guys but no one ever made my heart melt. I guess the wall that I built for the past year is too hard to break. Although I've been talking to guys and hanging out with them, my feelings were never different. They're just the usual friendship feelings. The problem with this is, people always misunderstood my actions. Even I don't know if my actions are, you know.. Maybe I've become that numb.

But, there were two people who, apparently, caught me. It wasn't that serious and it lasted for just a couple of weeks but it made me realize a lot of things. They may look real but no, nothing's real in the world right now. And I was glad I got to know these two people.

So yeah, I'm not exactly looking for someone who would break my heart or make me oh so happy. But who knows? Someone might you know.. Haha!

After A Long Time

Yes, after a long time of not writing something, here I am.. Writing. So my life has been on hold for the past couple of months because I've been busy with a lot of stuff especially my academics since I'm taking my majors already. Hooray! It has been a tough time for most of the people with the same course as I am because we've been given lots of tasks which took up most of our time. And, as usual, my non-academic time was taken up by my organization tasks so I was left really busy. Well for my personal, every thing was quite unexpected since a lot things happened that I can't even handle.

Well I am handling it in a different way. Have you ever had a feeling of that shock wherein you are willing to do a lot of effort for this guy who have made the same over a year ago? Like everything just turned the opposite from what was happening back then? It was quite a shocking thing for me. Well I never really thought I would be in this situation and apparently, I am shocked with myself, with how am I handling it. I know that I've been really paranoid and shit with the things that has been happening to me but after what happened 8 months ago I think I've been handling things the easier way, like I've stayed positive with everything and with that, I've come to the decision of waiting patiently for this guy who have loved me more than anyone in my life could. Well I know things won't be happening the way I want it to be but I will wait, the way he failed to do before. And I will be here as long as I can. And if we end up together, that would be perfect. Well I just learned to be contented with the simple things in my life right now, like seeing him in school or just seeing him. I know it's kind of really hopeful for me but that's what I learned with whatever happened in the past and I am grateful for that. I'm also looking forward in seeing him a lot next year in the walls of my dear school.

Comeback

So.. I've been away for the whole term, I guess. I've been busy with a lot of stuff. Freshmen Elections was more stressful than I imagined it. I worked with the publicities so it kind of ate all my time and energy. When I was away, there were lots of things that happened also, stuff from my lovelife, from my friends, and from myself as well.

Have you ever had that one person you never thought would go back to you and make you feel that he felt sorry for what happened before? I find it really hard to trust anyone as of the moment. And him, trying to get my trust again is not so good. Of course, we had a lot of memories together but he hurt me for a couple of times. It's not easy. And it won't. And it kind of annoys me, that you've moved on already and suddenly he will arrive and try to ruin everything you've built for yourself. It sucks. And I guess I won't come back anymore. I'm happy with my life now.

I kind of liked this guy. Yes, liked. Past tense. Or maybe I still like him. I don't know. I'm trying to forget that 'like'. It's not like I love him or something. It wasn't serious. But I like how he has been there for me when I am so stress with work. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he cures my boredom, he spends his time for me even when it's until midnight. I don't know. I guess he's just being nice or something. It's just a happy crush though. Too bad everything went complicated and we don't talk to each other anymore, or maybe we are, I just don't see him in school anymore. I tend to over think things, obviously.

So things have been a little sketchy and weird. Some people just can't get over the thing that happened between me, my ex and his girl. Like seriously? It has been months or years. It's so funny that there are still questions asked from my Tumblr about what do I feel about them getting back together or whatever. I honestly don't care anymore. I mean, it hasn't been in my mind for months already. Why do some people just can't shut their mouth and try to work on their lives and not work with me? I've moved on already. And I've been having a happier life now. This will be the last time I will post something about it. People should move on, like I did. They're not involved in the situation, though. Or they are. Anyways, I've moved on, I don't care anymore. (last words)

I'll try to update this as often as I can. I've been having a lot of things in my mind and I might post all of them here. I was just busy that's why I couldn't update. I will, I swear. :)

Everything Will Soon Be Okay

I had a realization last night. I know this will be another "I have a realization today and tomorrow I'll forget about this and feel sick again". I was with a friend last night and I thought, I could really be happy, without the sad part that keeps on bothering my life. I have been finding it hard to move on and I know that it's really hard, that every single day, you think about how it used to be, and then you go to places where you went before and thought of those memories you shared, you think of those promises he made that broke your heart because he broke them. It was actually a struggle for me, every day. I would just be quiet at some moments and say, "God, I miss him." It's not like I would cry or something. I have accepted the fact that we're over. And duh, I was the one who called it quits officially because I am tired of him trying to make lame excuses just to get away from me. I have accepted that. What breaks me are those memories we've shared that continue to kill me every night, every day. They're like ghosts that haunt me. I still have lots of scrap memories in my hand. I just couldn't let them go because I would always think, "Sayang."

I was shocked when I learned that he and this girl got back together. Well, I knew it would happen, eventually. There were a lot of things that went through my mind, something good, something bad, something.. color. But then, after talking to some friends about it, I just realized, at least he'll be happy already. He'll get what he really wanted whenever the urge gets into his senses. But I am quite afraid, though. Because.. Oh my. I'm starting to laugh. Stop stop!

Okay, serious again. I just wish him the best. I hope he's happy and that he would take his words seriously even though I already heard those crappy promises he made today, before. I still feel bitter, though. I just thought. Because ours ended without any closure and all. But it's not like I would beg for a closure because duh, I won't. I just thought about it. It's funny how I still wish for best for him even though he just made crap out of me. I am just trying to be nice.

Back to what I was saying in the first paragraph, I realized that whatever happened to my past, and how hard it is for me now to move on in full state, I will still come to that point where I would be really happy without any worries, and not exactly with the love thing because as of the moment, I don't think that having a guy would make my life more meaningful. I mean, I am still not ready for that. Right now, I would really love to focus on my studies, my work, family and friends, especially now that I have my bestfriend already. I'll get pass through this. And I can say, I am doing a good job in trying to make my life better.

Vintage-y Post Process

So I tried to make my own post processing set in Photoshop. I wanted some vintage-y look on photos so I had it look like this. I was wondering to do this setting in every photo in my photo library because this look is something relaxing and sophisticated. I miss my UFC family so I used our photos for sample.

My UFC family back in January. :)

It's me after our photoshoot last January. I have a weird bangs here. Both pictures were taken during our photoshoot last January, hosted by me. :)

One and The Same

I was excited to make another entry and I couldn't find the right topic so that you won't get bored. I've been wanting to blog about this for a long time and I guess, now's the right time. I don't want to elaborate our detailed story because as a reader myself, I find it boring to read (and I’m too lazy to write our story). Instead, maybe I should write about how our friendship meant a lot to me, right?

We kind of started in one summer. We knew each other way before that summer but we actually had time to think that there's something between us (okay, it sounds like romance but no, it's not, duh) just that summer. She talked to me, telling me that she believes in me and this little romance I have with her boyfriend's brother. It meant a lot for me because no one really believes in us. Then it all started there. Our little friendship became something I can call "sisterhood". It feels weird for me whenever the topic's about sibling-like friendship since I've been in bad relationships to those people I consider as very special friends for me, like I had this mark in head that no one would really stay, that people will always go. But it's different with her. I cannot say that we've been through a lot of things because we just started a year ago. But I believe that the friendship we have is something I can keep for a long time.

Whenever I tell about our story, that 'summer' won't be absent, basically because that's where we started. We normally talk to each other everyday and every time we do, I'd be so happy. She never fails to make me happy when I am feeling so down. I remember, we used to have midnight phone calls where we cry so hard because of some random shits that people do to us (and by that, I mean person). It's so nice to feel that there will always be someone who will be there for you when you least expect it.

When the romance I had with her boyfriend's brother ended, I expected that she would leave me like others do. What's the point of staying, right? The reason why she talked to me, in the first place, was because of this guy. But yes, she didn't. I actually can't believe she didn't leave. And until now, we're still the same, the same girls that used to talk about random things each and everyday. It feels really great for me that I have her in my life.

And I guess, I may not have been the best person to speak very touching, very cheesy lines, I want you to know that I will always be here for you whenever you need me. I am not the kind of person who will exchange you for something senseless and childish. I am the not kind of person who will forget you when I would have the best days. Instead, I will always be the person whom you talked to a year ago, the person who was there when you needed someone. I am really grateful for your existence in my deranged and loopy world. And knowing that you're here is more than enough for me.

I'm Maria

Let's start with me, as the owner of this page, shall we?

Hello, my name is Cola Nievera. I am actually new here, obviously. I am a 17-year-old kid, studying in De La Salle University. I'm a Communication Arts major and I guess that course makes me a little sucker for the art. Well, yes, I am. I am a student-slash-graphic designer/artist-slash-filmmaker. I don't take filmmaking as something serious as of the moment because I've done a few short films only. But the passion to filmmaking is somehow great. That's what I'm planning to pursue as I graduate, though. I am a full-time student, yes. And yes, I am a graphic designer/artist. I can consider this as something that I do most of the time since I've been doing a lot of graphic designs, not just for the sake of my passion, but also for some people. I'm a bit starting in the business, though.

I take music as something relaxing even though I listen to rock music. You read that right. I love rock music more than cheesy romantic type. I don't believe that rock is for those angry people, because I find peace in them.

I've been blogging for years already (because I find writing in a diary a bit tiring). I update much of my blogs in Tumblr (Follow me! See the links section on the right side of this window) and I want to try something different, something new and something away from most of the people (so I made this account). Tumblr has been exposed that much to the public and I can't seem to find a safe place where I can actually release, express and inspire (hopefully). Okay, I can say, I am fond of using parentheses always so I am apologizing for that. I am used to giving side comments on everything.

I actually have this attitude of over thinking things and sometimes, I can be super talkative, especially when I am really in the mood to talk. But there are also times when I get so speechless with things that I use only the word 'Haha'. Okay, I don't think that's a word. I might blog about certain people in my life so forgive if sometimes I blog about different people. (As you can say, there are times that I could think about a person and how they actually have inspired me or whatever. It's a weird side of me.)

Okay, so I guess I've been talking so much, again. Stay tuned!