What To Do

Even as a kid, I've always wanted to do a lot of things. I wanted to be an interior designer, a doctor, an editor-in-chief, I wanted to be so successful. My mind has been like that ever since. I wanted to do a lot of things but I never had a clear and stable view of who I wanted to be, just a successful woman on top of the world. I must say that I am one of those people who call themselves "jack of all trades, master of none". It sounds like a perfect description of ones' self because you know a lot of things, but it's quite sad how you can't call yourself a master of something. It's hard to get a hold of yourself and the life that is ahead of you when you are lost on what you can do, and what your really want to do. One minute you want to be so passionate about something, but on the other, you are there, feeling lost again. It's advisable to figure it out at an early age, but is that really something that is right to do? I mean what should you really do?

Never An Open Book

When you have been raised being given with all the material things on your list, people, especially parents, would always think that you’d be fine. I have observed that with people whose parents have been separated, their parents would always give their kids the things they want. I have realized that the reason why they do this is because they wanted their kids to be happy despite all the drama and pain they have caused their kids, thinking that it would somehow make up for it.

I don’t have separated parents but I have all the material things I wanted. My parents have given me everything they could give and I have always been thankful for that, no matter how much they think I’m not. If you look at it, I may have a perfect life. But I will tell you the statement that I have realized myself, no one is perfect and you won’t have it all.

No matter how gifted I am when it comes to the material things, I was never at peace. Maybe I was just eager to get these things because I wanted them to fill out the emptiness that never left me since forever. My parents would always tell me that I should be thankful that I have everything and they have given those to me. I am really thankful. It’s just sad that it seems like they think I am all “material” when they don’t even bother talking to me, in a calm way. I always have those moments where I would almost cry to my mom because of the heaviness of what I am carrying inside. But I can’t, because it’s either they would give me a sermon or they would take it differently. I think it’s because they are traditional. And they think that I could never have any problem and if I do, it would be non-sense, because I have everything in my life so what’s there to fail. So I tend to act like a strong girl in front of them, with no feelings at all, someone who looks like she doesn’t care, someone who looks like a happy-go-lucky person, which is pretty much working. But does that make me feel happy? No, not at all. There are a lot of aspects in my life in which they didn’t know I had problems with. And they didn’t know how much they have consumed me. They just don’t know things, yet it is as if I am not allowed to have problems. There are some things that I do that they don’t understand and which they always try pinning back to the material things issue. That’s a little complicated and tiring. If only they knew how I have been for the last year, it’s a good thing that I am still alive and trying my best to at least be steady. But often times, I just couldn’t carry it anymore, especially now that my life’s a little complicated. I would really love to at least get comfort from them, but if that means I will get pinned down, I’d rather not. Besides, we have never gotten into an emotional stuff so why burden them some more with what I carry? Though I think a parent-child relationship that involves being comfortable talking about your feelings is something that is very healthy and ideal. Too bad I don’t have it. Like I said, you can’t have it all.

Why Complicate?

It has been a while since I last wrote something. It’s not exactly that I have been busy with things but it is because over the past months, I have been keeping things to myself and letting it fade, which I don’t know if it’s working. I’ve also been trying to keep my life private and personal, especially the status of the mental and emotional aspects of it. I have been constantly talking to only two people though about those stuff.

I have been working hard to improve myself lately and I had this one-on-one thing with some guy and we got to talk about relationships. It is somehow related to what my friend and me talked about. I am kind of analyzing the situation of “I like you but we can’t be together”.

I have been thinking that if two people like or love each other, what’s there to go in between? I couldn’t understand how things have to take and meddle into a relationship that is supposed to be strong and bonded. What could go wrong if you two feel the same or if there is something that is so special about your relationship? It has to work, isn’t it; no matter how things get difficult?

One of my friends once told, “Both of you look stupid. You know you still want each other but you’re not together” I thought, point taken! How can one decision or choice could be so complicated if you can just say, “you like me, I like you, let’s be together!” Why complicate things with “Oh we can’t be together, you have to be like this, you have to be like that. You’re too like this, you’re too like that,” if you can just shut your whines and figure it out together? You don’t always have to be dramatic and try to ruin the precious thing you have there.

It is not applicable if there is abuse, though, because seriously, it is not love if there is abuse.

It’s not me being all positive with relationships and all. I just observed. My beliefs and say about my own stays with me privately and can only be known if you ask me personally. Hah.

Old Self

My best friend and I always talk on the phone whenever I feel a little whatever and every time we do, I always get something or realize something that I have forgotten for a while.

Just recently, we talked about my old self. She said how she misses the Cola back in high school. And then I thought, yeah, it kind of makes sense.

Back in the days, I am always fond of doing a lot of things. I educate myself when it comes to my graphic design, take a lot of photos of different things, talk to almost everybody, write as much as I could about many different things, blog my days away. Everything has been my habit and I admit how I was pretty happy that time, with all of the things I am doing and with everything that has been happening to me despite some negative things that usually happen. I was like this happy-go-lucky girl who was never afraid of taking risks, loving and letting go. As much as I don’t want to admit it, things changed when I stepped into college. College is the best thing that happened to me, it’s just different back in high school, maybe because I was innocent back then. It made me thinking that, I also miss those times when I was so eager to do a lot of things and I am motivated every day to learn more. I miss those times when I am not afraid of anything and I just go with whatever that makes me happy. It’s a different feeling when you know that you are not afraid and that you can easily get through stuff.

I kind of want that Cola back but it’s just different this time. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ll be totally out of my comfort zone soon and it makes me more scared. Or maybe because I got drained with all the fun and work in college because you know, I kind of intended to bury myself with a lot of work to gain experience. Or maybe I just grew up and I'm just over-thinking things right now, like maybe I got better right now, like more mature, I just don't see it, because I was a kid back then and being a kid will always be fun.

But yeah, college is still better, forevs.

Fear of Speaking and Flowery Words

For a while now, I have been having a bum life, basically because I’m just waiting for my graduation to come and finding a job is not in my plans yet. I have been talking to people, personal stuff only to the few people I trust. Basically, my life has been getting by lately. I’ve been trying to find some new stuff to do but I always end up being on steady mode. And then I thought, aren’t I always? Haha.

I have been meaning to write some stuff to voice out anything that has been bugging me lately but whenever I get in front of my computer, I just black out. There are some stuff that I want to write about but after a while, I just think about how they will draw issues or conclusions to some people. So most of the time, I just shut up and let things be. I think that’s also one of the things that I have learned for the past year. The more you speak, the more drama or trouble you will get into, which reminds me of the episode of Awkward I just watched recently wherein Jenna was more close to her ex, Jake, than her boyfriend, Matty, just because she can tell Jake anything whereas to Matty, she’s scared of voicing out things that might lead him to going away or like be judged by him. There are people that we’d rather not talk to about things because they will not understand and we think that telling them things will provide greater chances of them walking away from us. It is normal that we feel this over some people but I think that is what makes us vulnerable when of comes to these people. We are so scared to spill whatever’s been in our minds that we try to avoid them. Good thing with Jenna, Matty was patient enough for her.

Things, things.. They make us crazy all the time.

I’m slightly starting to realize some stuff. People are sometimes not the ones we think they are. Not that this is related to the previous sentence, but there are things that happened lately that I never talked about. I don’t even know why, but it feels weird.

I’ve been thinking about those people who assure you about something but don’t even mean it. It’s their way of making you feel better, lessening the guilt they have for hurting you or for being different from who they are whenever they are with you. I am trying to understand their side but I can’t really think of any good reason for them doing it. It’s just really confusing when they seem to tell you they care and they will be honest to you but the next thing you know they are just doing the opposite of what they have told you. I do not understand why some people can do that. Why don’t they just tell the truth? That’s what they want, right? I just feel betrayed with all of the things that have been happening lately, the lies, the flowery words that seem to have hurtful truths behind. And what’s funny is that, you have figured it out and they still lie in front of your face, thinking that they can fool you. Oh, the shame. I don’t know if some people are just fools or they are just plain assholes. And then what’s worse is that, you didn’t expect them to lie to you after all those years or months of friendship or whatever relationship you have. But then I thought; if that’s what they want to do, then go. Do it. After all, I am known to receive any shit there is, not that it meant I care, though.

Note that there are a lot of people in my life.

That Feeling

That feeling when someone asks you what's new with your life and you have nothing to say because your life has been really down for the last couple of weeks. That feeling when he's just so happy and you're there, just.. steady. That feeling when he seems to have everything and you're there basically has nothing. That feeling when he is moving really fast forward and you're there being a snail. That feeling when his life's filled with great opportunities and you're there still trying to push away the depression.
Don't misinterpret, I am more than happy for him.

That feeling when history seems to repeat itself, that you always lose something when graduation's coming, that your heart always break when your supposed-to-be-happy event is coming. That feeling when you blame yourself for everything that's happened. That feeling when you think that you can never be really happy for a long time, that there will always be an expiration date for people, that no matter how you trusted and thought that people won't leave through tough times, they will always do. That feeling when you know you have so much to give but the other person won't let you. That feeling when you know you can really do better but the other person doesn't believe you. That feeling when you have so much love and respect for a person that even though his decision doesn't include you, you still try to understand.
Don't misinterpret, I'm trying to move forward.

This depression always finds a way to kick in. Don't mind.

It's Fine

I guess some things aren't really meant to be. It sucks how life gets tough on you almost everytime. But I guess that's what's really going to happen if you try to push someone away just because you are scared. It sucks when history seems to repeat itself, that what happened in the past may seem to be happening again, only that you tried to fix it sooner than before. The more I tried to push people away because of my fear of getting hurt, the more I did hurt myself. My walls got really high that when I tried to look on the other side of it, no one was there anymore, just footprints.

It's like seeing a dress in a store. You fell in love the first time you laid your eyes on it. You had the money but you're trying to save it. So you tried to gather some more but when you came back, it was gone. It was a nice dress, something that would really look good on you, but it was gone. You lost your chance.

I tried my best to bring it back but it was all too late. It was a great adventure but not all adventures last the way we want them to. And I guess when you said that you did love me, you really did love me. I just never thought it would fade that soon.

I am hurting, a lot. But it'll pass. I'm sure it will. And it's fine, because somewhere along the road, I know it'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I will be okay.

Day 3

Since I know no one views this, I guess I need to let this out. I am hurting, a lot. And it fcking sucks that we have gone to this. I knew this point will happen, because it's a cycle but it's so damn hard when you know something better could've happened, like you could've been better and he could've understood you well. I know I have a lot of shortcomings and I could've been better. What saddens me the most is the fact that you have to let go of someone you knew would be worth it, someone you knew was the best.

It's so hard when you used to be there together for each other but you are there now, separated.  Like you used to hold hands and now you just don't want to hold each other's. Like you used to be so happy but things got so complicated and you weren't strong enough for the both of you. It's a massive torture that you will have to face every single day until you get better. I just wish I can fast forward.

I am hurting, a lot. The feeling that I have long avoided. Sometimes, I think, what if I didn't build walls, what if I went with the flow and just didn't try to sabotage what's making me happy and what I deserved. I tried to push you away because I am scared to get hurt but it still hurt me, especially you. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

My thoughts are jumbled.

I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now, Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me, And it's taking me to somewhere new

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well, Since the last time that we spoke, you said "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."

What a night it is, when you live like this, All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now, You know, I still can't believe we both did some things, I don't even wanna think about, Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want anybody else to feel this way"

I'll admit I was wrong about everything, Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down, All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even wanna think about.

I'm not strong enough for the both of us, What was I supposed to do, You know I love you.

Thankful

In times of trials, I admit that I am the most negative person ever. I just think that if I become too positive about these, things would go negatively and I would end up more devastated because I hoped and then nothing happened. I think it's just my reason not to expect things.

I am recently, or currently facing one of the biggest problems I have ever faced. It's pretty much eating up the whole of me and I tend to become afraid of being alone because I don't want to handle it alone. I mean I can't handle it alone. I might kill myself or something, not that I'm suicidal.

As I face this whatever it is that I am facing, one person never left my side and has been a great help on how I cope up with it. I mean, wow, I am so shocked and very thankful at the same time that one person was literally beside me the whole time and never left my side, just supporting me and giving me all I need, trying to cheer me up as much as he can. Even though I really hate how this person tells me about hope, I really appreciate how he has been there for me. God, I am really thankful. Words cannot express how much I am thankful that I have this person helping me to hold on and keeping me sane.

I wish this person all the best for the next coming days since I know that a lot of things are also getting jumbled in this person's life. I really believe that he's a great person and that he is really smart that he can go and fix everything.

He's the best.

You're Good, Not

I guess living in a family wherein everyone's good at something is negative at some points. Not having that "enough" feeling won't always mean that you may see life and become motivated by it. Sometimes, it makes you feel vulnerable and crap.

You are good.. Not. Maybe you are at a certain field but sometimes your skills aren't enough. Sometimes, you just want to be better and produce stuff wherein you could be proud of yourself, like you can say, "I did that!" Most of the times, you feel like everything you wanted never landed in your hands. It's just hard when you try so hard but there's no progress. You are tired of being in someone's shadows but destiny just keeps sticking you there, under everyone's shadows and so you will feel useless and nothing.

I want to believe I'm good but life's preventing me in doing it.

I am lost for words..

Status: Loading

Just recently, I celebrated my anniversary of "singleness". Yes, I never had a boyfriend since my ex who is, I think, really happy right now, and I broke up. Don't get me wrong. I'm also happy for him.

So, what's really the status of my heart right now? In my previous post, I blogged about this guy I like who's not talking to me. And since that time, my heart's lie-low with everything.

A lot of things happened these past months which, made me realize a lot of things. I was surrounded with a lot of break ups and people with love problems. Looking at those people made me think more that love is so overrated. Don't get me wrong. This is just my opinion.

You meet a guy, you fall in love, you break apart. Isn't that always what happens in "love" or even liking someone? You lower your guard down, which is so hard, and then sooner, you'll feel crap and shit because one of you stops trying. That has been my mindset for the past year.

A lot of people are telling me that you'll never know unless you try, that not all are the same. Yeah, maybe not all are the same but the feelings you will feel will always be the same. You'll feel so happy that someone loves you and you love this person also. And later on, you'll feel crap and shit when things start to get weird. You'll never know unless you try, yeah maybe. But the things that will happen will always be the same, maybe not in the same way but the bottom line will always be the same. You will always get hurt.

I never liked the feeling of getting hurt (yeah who does). I never liked the feeling of wanting your friends to be always around because not having them will make you feel so lonely, like you struggle so hard not to think of those things. And you wait all day long because you're hoping he would send you a text message or whatever. Hate-st feeling ever! I hate it when you don't know what to do or how you're going to continue your life from where you left it. It's so weird.

Love has been too cheesy for me. I still get kilig with the small things people do but most of the times, it makes me feel sick. Even I don't like expressing my positive feelings to others. Actions have always been better than words. Well I guess my pride's too high to appreciate the big things.

For the past months, I tried to open my heart to some guys but no one ever made my heart melt. I guess the wall that I built for the past year is too hard to break. Although I've been talking to guys and hanging out with them, my feelings were never different. They're just the usual friendship feelings. The problem with this is, people always misunderstood my actions. Even I don't know if my actions are, you know.. Maybe I've become that numb.

But, there were two people who, apparently, caught me. It wasn't that serious and it lasted for just a couple of weeks but it made me realize a lot of things. They may look real but no, nothing's real in the world right now. And I was glad I got to know these two people.

So yeah, I'm not exactly looking for someone who would break my heart or make me oh so happy. But who knows? Someone might you know.. Haha!

Pessimistic

I guess there will always be a day where you think about how things aren't really going nice for you. I was watching this series. There was a couple who have been fighting over a song that the guy made a remix on. He used the song that the girl wrote. It was personal for the girl because she wrote that for the daughter she had given away three years ago. And then, the girl said that she was never the most important for every guy she dated. It kind of had me thinking about my own personal life. For my past relationships, I always have a competition in a sense that I was never really the priority. It's like competing with everything in the person's life. There was never a guy who actually treated me right. There's always has to be that one thing that the person always chooses over me, either lust, ambitions. I kept thinking, when will I ever be enough to someone that he would actually make me feel that nothing really matters. I know it's contradicting to the life I want to put up for myself and the image I want to pursue but it just keeps on popping in my mind and I am really tired. I am tired of thinking about how it has never been good to me, that I was never really on the right timing, that every guy I date or like isn't just right.

That was me being to pessimistic. I have to write more often.