How Does It Really Work?

Certain things have happened and I don't really know what to think or rather what to feel. Things happened way too fast that I wasn't really prepared of what I was going into which resulted to me feeling what I am feeling right now. I have long admitted that I am scared but I don't know if the people around me or if the person involved knows how much the degree of my fear is. I'm still fighting with the thoughts that are clouding through my head, especially those that my friends would say. I'm still constantly thinking of what ifs and things that I had myself believe in order not to get hurt again. And even if that I have heard the "it's going to be okay" line for a couple of times already, I am still scared and I still couldn't stop thinking about negative things.

I've never wanted to admit what I feel because I think that if I do, it would make things a lot worse. But things aren't worse. Things aren't even bad. I'm just the one who's thinking that it is because I admit that I am that scared. And now that I am starting to consider that 'stopping' could be one of my choices just so nothing gets bad, I couldn't think if it's going to be right. I know myself well. I know that if I give in to this, it'll only make me weak, that it will overpower the whole me and that I'm going to be miserable. But if I let this go, would it make me happy? Part of me wants to say yes because I would save myself from future pain and I would even save him from miserable me in the future. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I think that if I tell the person any of this, he will get angry or think that I am getting so dramatic again. My friend told me that if he does get mad, he's not worth it. How does it really work? I'm getting tired thinking of all these things but I can't let this debate go. I still have to decide. I just don't know if I should decide on my own or decide with this person.

Status: Loading

Just recently, I celebrated my anniversary of "singleness". Yes, I never had a boyfriend since my ex who is, I think, really happy right now, and I broke up. Don't get me wrong. I'm also happy for him.

So, what's really the status of my heart right now? In my previous post, I blogged about this guy I like who's not talking to me. And since that time, my heart's lie-low with everything.

A lot of things happened these past months which, made me realize a lot of things. I was surrounded with a lot of break ups and people with love problems. Looking at those people made me think more that love is so overrated. Don't get me wrong. This is just my opinion.

You meet a guy, you fall in love, you break apart. Isn't that always what happens in "love" or even liking someone? You lower your guard down, which is so hard, and then sooner, you'll feel crap and shit because one of you stops trying. That has been my mindset for the past year.

A lot of people are telling me that you'll never know unless you try, that not all are the same. Yeah, maybe not all are the same but the feelings you will feel will always be the same. You'll feel so happy that someone loves you and you love this person also. And later on, you'll feel crap and shit when things start to get weird. You'll never know unless you try, yeah maybe. But the things that will happen will always be the same, maybe not in the same way but the bottom line will always be the same. You will always get hurt.

I never liked the feeling of getting hurt (yeah who does). I never liked the feeling of wanting your friends to be always around because not having them will make you feel so lonely, like you struggle so hard not to think of those things. And you wait all day long because you're hoping he would send you a text message or whatever. Hate-st feeling ever! I hate it when you don't know what to do or how you're going to continue your life from where you left it. It's so weird.

Love has been too cheesy for me. I still get kilig with the small things people do but most of the times, it makes me feel sick. Even I don't like expressing my positive feelings to others. Actions have always been better than words. Well I guess my pride's too high to appreciate the big things.

For the past months, I tried to open my heart to some guys but no one ever made my heart melt. I guess the wall that I built for the past year is too hard to break. Although I've been talking to guys and hanging out with them, my feelings were never different. They're just the usual friendship feelings. The problem with this is, people always misunderstood my actions. Even I don't know if my actions are, you know.. Maybe I've become that numb.

But, there were two people who, apparently, caught me. It wasn't that serious and it lasted for just a couple of weeks but it made me realize a lot of things. They may look real but no, nothing's real in the world right now. And I was glad I got to know these two people.

So yeah, I'm not exactly looking for someone who would break my heart or make me oh so happy. But who knows? Someone might you know.. Haha!

Cons of Summer

Don’t get this wrong. I love my parents, no matter what but there are just times where I really hate how they handle things.

For the past year, I have learned a lot of things about life and I can say I’ve become more mature that I think I’m more mature than my parents. I was about to go with my best friend to Baguio for 3 days but my parents won’t let me. I couldn’t see the big deal with that. As you see, I don’t like the provincial kind of parents because they are too close-minded and old-fashioned. Why not let their kids enjoy their lives while they’re still young? If parents don’t let their kids get into things, how do they expect them to learn about life? Teenage life, I know, is quite dangerous but it is where the kids learn and become better persons. I don’t get why parents don’t trust their kids. I don’t get why parents want their kids to be by their sides 24/7. I mean, what the fuck, why don’t you get dolls rather than kids? I am speaking right now and before I even thought about speaking, I tried putting myself into their shoes. If I were a parent, I still won’t treat my kids like that. My life has been secluded and I never want my kids to experience this kind of life. I never want them hiding things from me just because I don’t want them going through these things. I can say, having a lot of experiences during teenage years is healthy, not only because you get lessons but also, you get to experience life in the fun times.

Also, I don’t like how my dad always tells me that he thought I want to take a rest this summer whenever I ask if I could go out. I mean, come on! Why’d you let me study in La Salle in the first place since you know that La Salle trains us to be active? This is one of the things that I like about La Salle. It trained me not to be contented with a bum life.

In addition to my hate towards my parents, I don’t get why they don’t let me go out when they don’t even want my friends to go in our house because they are ashamed of our house which they’re not doing anything about it. I mean, SERIOUSLY? What do you want me to do with my life? I’d want to go out and do extra curricular activities, but you still won’t let me. I’m in front of my laptop the whole day and then you tell me that my eyes’ grades are getting higher? C’mon. What do you want me to do? Sleep? You are teaching me how to be lazy which I thought you don’t want me to. Do you want me to clean the house? Okay, how am I suppose to clean the house if it’s so full of crappy things which has been there since forever because you kept on keeping things and don’t want them to be donated? What else, you want me to do this album about my debut? Why, is it my fault that you didn’t want to cash out for better and more professional photography company? And do you think that it’s an easy job to do lay outing? Why don’t you try yourselves?

I love my parents but their immaturities are annoying me big time. Why can’t they be mature for once?

A Story

Let me tell you a story that has been occupying my mind for quite some time now. I’ve been keeping this private since it started. Why, mainly because I wanted to protect him from my not-so perfect life. But, since I know that everything won’t be the same anymore, I decided to let it all out.

I entered college feeling a little off with how my life goes for me. We all have lived that feeling especially when we just had a break up with someone we like. This new environment made me more comfortable, though, because I’ve always believed that college is something opposite to what high school is, that there will be less drama and people don’t care about you. I enjoyed my life as classes went on. Organizations, classes with block mates, and a complicated love life. Some guy came back to me during our earlier days in college but went MIA before midterms. It was probably for the best. I tried to settle my life with what I have and try to be active in everything I do. I spent most of my time with my block mates and our daily dinner, as what I can conclude, started everything I will talk about next.

Being with someone almost everyday God made, can lead to a lot of things and even the person with the strongest wall is no exception. We’ve been spending dinners with our block mates then we started texting. I can’t really remember how we started texting but we did. Our first hang out outside school was when I told him I haven’t tried riding the LRT/MRT. He asked me if I wanted to go out and try it. I said yes. It was just a friendly date. I didn’t even consider it a ‘date’. It was a super fun day. We rode the LRT and went from place to place just so I could experience riding the train.

We talked to each other, everyday. Since I am a member of an events production organization, and he is a member of a singing group in school, we both go home late. My condominium is three establishments away from school. It was close but walking to my condo at night is a little scary so, he would always walk me home.

We would hang out whenever we’re free. We would sit beside each other during events we’re required to attend. We would eat whenever someone’s hungry. We do almost everything together and with some of our block mates.

One time, he asked me if I wanted to watch Inception. He watched it already but apparently, he had two free tickets and since I wasn’t busy, I said yes. We went all the way to SM Megamall just to watch it. I can still remember that he was wearing a red polo shirt. I am quite good with remembering things like those. I was in doubt at first because whenever I get to be with someone in a place like that, I usually get ‘ilang’ afterwards. But to my surprise, I didn’t feel that.

Aside from texting and hanging out, we would also chat each other. One time, he introduced me to his brother through Yahoo! Messenger. He was really cute, a mini me of him. His brother even made a note that says, “Hi Ate Cola!” It was really cute.

When we had our LRT/MRT trip, I saw a picture of him way back in high school. I asked him if I could have it. But he didn’t really want me to. I kept on asking him for it and he wouldn’t really give it. But he gave up later on. He gave it to me and just like what I do whenever someone gives me his picture; I glued it in my planner. He wrote some kind of a poem beside his picture. I tried to dig into the meaning of it but it was just so deep.

Whenever I have food cravings, I really can’t get over them until I get to have them. I once craved for Fire Floss bread from Bread Talk and the next day, he bought me some.

I didn’t really feel that there was something that’s going on. Maybe because I was on lie low with having a romantic relationship with someone. But one Sunday afternoon, he confessed something to me. I was shocked when I read those words. I never thought he would feel something like that for me. Who would even think there was something? I didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t really over with my guy yet. He was like a man who is really goal-oriented. We were block mates. And then he liked me. I was really scared. I kept telling him before he confessed his feelings for me that having someone you like is just a stress in life. But then again, he liked me.

After that afternoon, nothing really changed. We would still hang out, have dinners together, this time alone. Maybe what changed is how he treated me. It wasn’t the usual friendly stuff anymore. He’d treat me like there was really something. We would eat my food cravings, he would download the episodes I watch, he would bring me food and force me to eat them whenever I don’t want to eat, he would surprise me with something when I least expect it. He does things, which girls would love to experience. It was like a dream come true for me to have someone like him.

I can’t say I never felt something because I really did. But I didn’t want to let it out because it’ll ruin everything and I wasn’t really sure of what I am feeling.

During our organization’s LTTS (our organizations are both part of the Cultural Arts Office) in which both of them had the three-day seminar together, I didn’t join. At night, when everyone else was having some bonding time with one another, he would call me and then we would talk for hours. I was told that his smile was like reaching his ears and he was smiling throughout our conversation. I have to admit, I was really flattered.

There was an event for PUSO (parents’ organization) where I was the only production crew and he was the only performer. We were there, doing our own jobs. It was raining so hard even when the event ended already. We didn’t know how we are going home since there was a little flood in front of our school’s gate. We didn’t know the way we could go home until a parent from PUSO offered us a ride. When we were waiting for the car to arrive, I was really cold and wet. I was like chilling. Then he hugged me to ease the coldness. The parent dropped us in front of my condo. It was quite an adventure for us.

I am not really sure when did this happen but there was a time when I ate something from our school’s canteen, which made me really sick for days. I had stomach ache for two days straight. I asked the clinic for medicines but I think I took the wrong medicines. Then one day, when we were in our building’s lobby, I felt the need to vomit. And so, I vomited. I was wearing his jacket so I kind of vomited in it. I was trying to apologize since it’s really gross. He walked me to the clinic and the nurse said I should sleep in. He told me to stay and sleep and he needed to go back to their office. When I woke up, he was outside my cubicle. And little did I know that when I was sleeping, he went in to check me. It’s really a great feeling when you know that someone’s taking really good care of you. It somehow made me realize that not all guys are the same. Well I think we would always think that way whenever we get to meet someone who really knows how to make us happy.

We were required to take some NSTP classes. We had this two exposure trips where we have to go to a community and spend some time with a family from the community. We were partners. And what did I do? I just slept on his shoulder the whole time. I even broke his baller.

I’ve heard the wish about 11:11s but I never really believed it. He’s the one who taught me to wish on 11:11s. I still do, until now.

He has been a really good best friend, a partner, a teammate and a lover. He does a lot of things that make me really happy. I also have to admit that although I was confused with what I am feeling and scared at the same time, the feeling gets stronger and stronger as each day passes by. I was happy, happier than I thought I would be. I have never felt that happiness in a long time. Everything was such an adventure.

But aside from all those positive sides of our story, negatives will never fail to distract us. We started having problems, some are personal and some are about us. I started thinking and feeling that I’ve becoming too dependent into him. I’ve been relying to him and I started to forget my own responsibilities. He was doing everything for me, including the things that I should do myself. I started to become useless. Then my block mates also started to tell me that he’s been acting weird, like the leadership he has are somehow fading. And his attention was focused on me. He would sometimes feel awkward with the guys I talk to even if they’re his friends. Maybe his too much love for me wasn’t really a good idea after all.

I wanted to lie low for a bit. But every time I do, he does things that make it even harder for me, like he would tell me things, which my conscience couldn’t take. At that same time, my ex tried talking to me again. And then later on tried to get things back with me. I had to choose. Is it the guy who have hurt me all the time and whom I am not over with yet or the guy who does beautiful things for me? I didn’t want anyone to get hurt but someone has to. I am a girl and sometimes, most of the times, girls tend to choose the things they are vulnerable in. So I chose my ex. Yes, I knew the consequences that he might do the things he have done to me again. But I didn’t want to start something with a new guy knowing that I still haven’t buried the ghost yet. It was never easy for me to choose. I didn’t want to hurt anybody. But at that point, I was so fragile that I took the one whom I like more at the moment.

I tried things just so it won’t affect our friendship. I still talk to him, I still hang out with him. It’s like what we were earlier before he started to treat me as his special someone. He kept on telling me that he’s happy for me, that he’ll wait and that he loves me so much even if it hurts to just think of it. As for my side, I had to stop what I was feeling for him. In order to not hurt my boyfriend, I had to. I know it would hurt him.

I will never forget my 17^th birthday where he arranged a little surprise for me. He gathered around my block mates so they can surprise me with some ‘Happy Birthday’. It was the best birthday so far. He gave me a letter that contains some words like “forever” and “you’re the last girl”. I didn’t know what to feel. I never believed in promises. But his letter was something that contains a lot of it. It was really heavy. I don’t know if he would keep those but I somehow felt grateful that someone is trying to prove to me that even though things didn’t work for us well, he still won’t give up.

He never failed to be there for me even if I had to stop what we had. Whenever I am sad, he was always there. In normal times, I would really think that he would let it all go and be a stranger for me but no, he didn’t. He stayed even though it didn’t work for the two of us. I was really grateful. But as time goes by, I became really busy with my guy. It wasn’t too long when my guy and me had problems, which lead to our break up. During those times, I barely talk to people. I only talk to people whom I hang out with everyday. I didn’t want to get my phone and try telling people my story because it’ll only make me more sad and lonely. He tried talking to me through text messages but I didn’t reply a single message. I was too embarrassed to talk to him. I didn’t want to hear an ‘I told you so’ I didn’t want to hear some ‘It’s your fault’ I didn’t want him to think how fool I am to choose that guy who would always hurt me. And so I tried to stay away.

For the next months, I tried moving on. I tried to text him thrice to say my apologies and explain for myself. He would always say it’s okay, but it actually doesn’t look like it. He was being cold. I can’t blame him. I didn’t also want to force him to act normal with me since there had been a lot of things that happened. I miss him. And I wanted to go back to when I hadn’t lost him but I can’t. I didn’t want to bother him because I didn’t want him to think that just because I lost my boyfriend means I would make him my rebound. So I tried to fix myself first before I try to fix us. I wanted to be sure of what I am feeling. I wanted to see if this was only for the moment or if this was really true. I wanted to figure things out.

It was after half a year when I tried to open up my door again. I tried to plan things just so we can work things out. But the guy has moved on. I wanted to make it up to him so bad but he just wouldn’t let me. Maybe I was just really late. Maybe second chances have their own schedules and too bad I didn’t have mine for this situation. I wanted to show him that I don’t want to give up but he told me to just stop it, that he had went back to his normal life and I can’t do anything about it. I didn’t want to force him so I understood what he wants.

This happened in the season of my birthday. I don’t want to say that it ruined my birthday since I also appreciate how my friends tried to cheer the day up. But during my debut did I saw myself waiting for something to come. I tried to look even for the smallest positive feeling that maybe, just maybe, he might be there when I enter the hall. I was hoping that when I entered that door, he would see me wearing my pink gown, all dolled up, and have grown as a woman. I was hoping that he would get the last rose and dance with me. But he wasn’t there. I told myself, “The night’s not done yet. He might arrive anytime soon” But no, he didn’t. I never saw a sign of him arriving. I was happy because everyone was there to celebrate my birthday with me but because sometimes, when we hoped for something to happen and it didn’t come true, we get really disappointed. But I understood his reason. I just hope that that is the only reason.

I wanted for us to talk so I can try to make him feel that I am really sorry but he made up excuses just so we couldn’t talk. I didn’t force him to make some time for me because it’ll only make things worse. So instead of waiting for him to tell me when we can talk (which I know won’t be happening), I wrote a letter. That letter contains every thing I wanted to tell him. That letter had the little hope in me but it didn’t make anything better. There was a line in the letter where I said, “Go on with your life and I’ll go on with mine but that doesn’t mean I will give up. I will still be waiting.” Exactly one year ago, I was reading a letter from a guy who loves me so much. This time, I was the one writing a letter to that same guy. The difference is, feelings have been altered.

It was the tensions of things that make me want to stay and still wait for something that might never happen. One minute I had him and the next, I lost him. One minute he’s making an effort and the next, I am the one making it. It’s true that you’ll never know what you have ‘til it’s gone. And it’s too bad that it had to take a year for me to realize, make a move and fight for what I used to have. I am not saying I will wait forever because we know that there’s no such thing as forever but I want to do this because I want to. I want to do this just like what he failed to do when he promised he would. It’s silly that I actually believed in those promises. But as long as I can, I will continue what he had left before. It might not be a happy ending in the end but at least I tried.

Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I won’t love you. – Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl Season 5

Pessimistic

I guess there will always be a day where you think about how things aren't really going nice for you. I was watching this series. There was a couple who have been fighting over a song that the guy made a remix on. He used the song that the girl wrote. It was personal for the girl because she wrote that for the daughter she had given away three years ago. And then, the girl said that she was never the most important for every guy she dated. It kind of had me thinking about my own personal life. For my past relationships, I always have a competition in a sense that I was never really the priority. It's like competing with everything in the person's life. There was never a guy who actually treated me right. There's always has to be that one thing that the person always chooses over me, either lust, ambitions. I kept thinking, when will I ever be enough to someone that he would actually make me feel that nothing really matters. I know it's contradicting to the life I want to put up for myself and the image I want to pursue but it just keeps on popping in my mind and I am really tired. I am tired of thinking about how it has never been good to me, that I was never really on the right timing, that every guy I date or like isn't just right.

That was me being to pessimistic. I have to write more often.

After A Long Time

Yes, after a long time of not writing something, here I am.. Writing. So my life has been on hold for the past couple of months because I've been busy with a lot of stuff especially my academics since I'm taking my majors already. Hooray! It has been a tough time for most of the people with the same course as I am because we've been given lots of tasks which took up most of our time. And, as usual, my non-academic time was taken up by my organization tasks so I was left really busy. Well for my personal, every thing was quite unexpected since a lot things happened that I can't even handle.

Well I am handling it in a different way. Have you ever had a feeling of that shock wherein you are willing to do a lot of effort for this guy who have made the same over a year ago? Like everything just turned the opposite from what was happening back then? It was quite a shocking thing for me. Well I never really thought I would be in this situation and apparently, I am shocked with myself, with how am I handling it. I know that I've been really paranoid and shit with the things that has been happening to me but after what happened 8 months ago I think I've been handling things the easier way, like I've stayed positive with everything and with that, I've come to the decision of waiting patiently for this guy who have loved me more than anyone in my life could. Well I know things won't be happening the way I want it to be but I will wait, the way he failed to do before. And I will be here as long as I can. And if we end up together, that would be perfect. Well I just learned to be contented with the simple things in my life right now, like seeing him in school or just seeing him. I know it's kind of really hopeful for me but that's what I learned with whatever happened in the past and I am grateful for that. I'm also looking forward in seeing him a lot next year in the walls of my dear school.

I was Tumbling. And I accidentally stumbled on this. And I thought of having a blog since I've been really MIA. I never had time reading such post like this because I am really lazy when it comes to reading a long message.

Well just recently, I was chatting with my friend on Facebook. Our crushes are both on the same track and our conversation went through the serious stuff. I'm not really comfortable anymore with the topic and I don't even know why. I guess my view on the serious stuff changed as I grew up. To cut to story short, I don't really believe in having someone for keeps for a long time anymore. Isn't just that tiring to believe in the same promises that someone would give you every single day? I believe I've become a woman of steel. It's kind of fun actually. Because I get to live my life without depending on someone. I get to do whatever I want without thinking of someone. It's like living my life to the fullest.

Okay I think I'm on the wrong track and saying things that are not really related to the real reason why I did this blog.

Back to he picture, I think, everything about the picture above is the author's fault. How can you hurt yourself like that? If you didn't believe the person, you won't get hurt. People change, that's a fact and others must know that. Learn from your mistakes, right? And promises, they are just words to express what people are feeling at the moment. I repeat, AT THE MOMENT. Promises are not genuine. Maybe in some people, they are but we cannot assure that everyone's promises are real.