Why Complicate?

It has been a while since I last wrote something. It’s not exactly that I have been busy with things but it is because over the past months, I have been keeping things to myself and letting it fade, which I don’t know if it’s working. I’ve also been trying to keep my life private and personal, especially the status of the mental and emotional aspects of it. I have been constantly talking to only two people though about those stuff.

I have been working hard to improve myself lately and I had this one-on-one thing with some guy and we got to talk about relationships. It is somehow related to what my friend and me talked about. I am kind of analyzing the situation of “I like you but we can’t be together”.

I have been thinking that if two people like or love each other, what’s there to go in between? I couldn’t understand how things have to take and meddle into a relationship that is supposed to be strong and bonded. What could go wrong if you two feel the same or if there is something that is so special about your relationship? It has to work, isn’t it; no matter how things get difficult?

One of my friends once told, “Both of you look stupid. You know you still want each other but you’re not together” I thought, point taken! How can one decision or choice could be so complicated if you can just say, “you like me, I like you, let’s be together!” Why complicate things with “Oh we can’t be together, you have to be like this, you have to be like that. You’re too like this, you’re too like that,” if you can just shut your whines and figure it out together? You don’t always have to be dramatic and try to ruin the precious thing you have there.

It is not applicable if there is abuse, though, because seriously, it is not love if there is abuse.

It’s not me being all positive with relationships and all. I just observed. My beliefs and say about my own stays with me privately and can only be known if you ask me personally. Hah.

Old Self

My best friend and I always talk on the phone whenever I feel a little whatever and every time we do, I always get something or realize something that I have forgotten for a while.

Just recently, we talked about my old self. She said how she misses the Cola back in high school. And then I thought, yeah, it kind of makes sense.

Back in the days, I am always fond of doing a lot of things. I educate myself when it comes to my graphic design, take a lot of photos of different things, talk to almost everybody, write as much as I could about many different things, blog my days away. Everything has been my habit and I admit how I was pretty happy that time, with all of the things I am doing and with everything that has been happening to me despite some negative things that usually happen. I was like this happy-go-lucky girl who was never afraid of taking risks, loving and letting go. As much as I don’t want to admit it, things changed when I stepped into college. College is the best thing that happened to me, it’s just different back in high school, maybe because I was innocent back then. It made me thinking that, I also miss those times when I was so eager to do a lot of things and I am motivated every day to learn more. I miss those times when I am not afraid of anything and I just go with whatever that makes me happy. It’s a different feeling when you know that you are not afraid and that you can easily get through stuff.

I kind of want that Cola back but it’s just different this time. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ll be totally out of my comfort zone soon and it makes me more scared. Or maybe because I got drained with all the fun and work in college because you know, I kind of intended to bury myself with a lot of work to gain experience. Or maybe I just grew up and I'm just over-thinking things right now, like maybe I got better right now, like more mature, I just don't see it, because I was a kid back then and being a kid will always be fun.

But yeah, college is still better, forevs.

Fear of Speaking and Flowery Words

For a while now, I have been having a bum life, basically because I’m just waiting for my graduation to come and finding a job is not in my plans yet. I have been talking to people, personal stuff only to the few people I trust. Basically, my life has been getting by lately. I’ve been trying to find some new stuff to do but I always end up being on steady mode. And then I thought, aren’t I always? Haha.

I have been meaning to write some stuff to voice out anything that has been bugging me lately but whenever I get in front of my computer, I just black out. There are some stuff that I want to write about but after a while, I just think about how they will draw issues or conclusions to some people. So most of the time, I just shut up and let things be. I think that’s also one of the things that I have learned for the past year. The more you speak, the more drama or trouble you will get into, which reminds me of the episode of Awkward I just watched recently wherein Jenna was more close to her ex, Jake, than her boyfriend, Matty, just because she can tell Jake anything whereas to Matty, she’s scared of voicing out things that might lead him to going away or like be judged by him. There are people that we’d rather not talk to about things because they will not understand and we think that telling them things will provide greater chances of them walking away from us. It is normal that we feel this over some people but I think that is what makes us vulnerable when of comes to these people. We are so scared to spill whatever’s been in our minds that we try to avoid them. Good thing with Jenna, Matty was patient enough for her.

Things, things.. They make us crazy all the time.

I’m slightly starting to realize some stuff. People are sometimes not the ones we think they are. Not that this is related to the previous sentence, but there are things that happened lately that I never talked about. I don’t even know why, but it feels weird.

I’ve been thinking about those people who assure you about something but don’t even mean it. It’s their way of making you feel better, lessening the guilt they have for hurting you or for being different from who they are whenever they are with you. I am trying to understand their side but I can’t really think of any good reason for them doing it. It’s just really confusing when they seem to tell you they care and they will be honest to you but the next thing you know they are just doing the opposite of what they have told you. I do not understand why some people can do that. Why don’t they just tell the truth? That’s what they want, right? I just feel betrayed with all of the things that have been happening lately, the lies, the flowery words that seem to have hurtful truths behind. And what’s funny is that, you have figured it out and they still lie in front of your face, thinking that they can fool you. Oh, the shame. I don’t know if some people are just fools or they are just plain assholes. And then what’s worse is that, you didn’t expect them to lie to you after all those years or months of friendship or whatever relationship you have. But then I thought; if that’s what they want to do, then go. Do it. After all, I am known to receive any shit there is, not that it meant I care, though.

Note that there are a lot of people in my life.

Jitters and Anxieties

I am not sure if this is still a safe place for me to release my feelings and stuff. It's hard though, trying to keep everything inside you just because you don't know if what you feel will make sense if you release it, so instead, you keep it to yourself. And what scares me is that what if I keep this all to myself and try to push it so hard that one day it breaks the whole me? Wouldn't that be worse? I don't know. I am torn with a lot of things lately. It's like I can't do things just because I am torn and doing the best options are so hard. Oh my forever frustrations.

I think I need to talk to someone about this and just release it but I am not sure who. If only I can go back to school and be the usual carefree me. 

Why Are You Sad Letter

2 months ago, my professor in my Audio class had us listen to this song that he produced. He wanted us to write a letter to the girl singing. There was an extra credit so I did what I can. As I as fixing my e-mail, I found the letter I made. I just feel like sharing, that's all.

Dear You,

I heard your song and it seems like you're sad, well obviously. How do you feel right now? Are you still angry? I guess when I heard your song I kind of get what you were feeling because I'd also like to say that to someone I have lost just recently. Why are you sad? What's been bothering you? If it's a heartbreak from you-know-what, then I know how it feels. It may sometimes seems to be so unfair and it may really hurt. I know it sucks, it really is. Life gives us a lot of shit. Do you just wish that it didn't happen, that you could have lived happily ever after? It sucks so much, right? I know how it feels and it's hard to accept the fact that he left and you are left there, and still wanting to try it out, that you are the only one who wants to try, like you are constantly thinking about it and you just can't help it even if it hurts so bad. Believe me, I know exactly how it feels. But I know you will get pass through it. It's really hard but it'll pass. You may really want him back but, come to think of it, do you want him to come back to you just because of pity? It won't be like before. Damage has been done and as much as you would like to fix it, some people just don't want it anymore, no matter how much you still want it. Life will always be unfair and we can't do anything about it. We just have to live with it. Try putting some time for yourself. You have been there for him, it's time to put your attention into something more important. He doesn't want it anymore. It sucks but you have to accept it and move on. Some things aren't really meant to be. It may be a great adventure but all adventures have endings. It'll pass. Everything will be okay. You will be okay. I promise you that. Go out there and explore. There are a lot of things way better than thinking about him. You will be okay.

Cola

Suitors + Parents

I don’t know why I came up with this topic even though I've been thinking about this for a few days now. I think I watched something that made me want to write about this or like my mom told me story. But oh well. I just thought about this, not even trying to talk to anyone or what, so calm yo tits.

My parents have never been the most open ones. They are the strictest people I know. They don’t allow me to do a lot of stuff but I always find ways. Haha. Anyway, most of my previous suitors never got into that usual meet-the-parents thing, basically because I never really allowed such, not that I didn’t want them to meet my parents. It’s just that I don’t like being awkward with my parents. Believe me, I’m the most awkward person ever, like an awkward penguin. Anyway, it’s not also about me being a coward for not doing something to make that happen, because I can really make that happen, did that once but my parents refused. I tried, yea. I just like testing people. And come on, do I have to be the one who should make a move about it? Do I always have to be the one who sets up everything just so the person could meet my parents? My mom talked to me once telling me that it’s okay to have suitors as long as he goes to the house. Well I guess nowadays, guys will court you without even considering first if it is legal to your parents or not. And that saddens me. I kind of wished of someone who would ask my parents if going out with me would be okay, because you know, having strict parents is scary but having a brave guy would be interesting. I just don’t want lying to my parents about something anymore. I don’t want to lie to my parents that there’s a project in school just so the guy could get the chance to go to my house or wait until my parents to go out of town so he could sit in or like be the one who gives the direction and date as to when he could come. If I tell my parents about it, it would be like “Oh you know, mom, the real project that we were working on was to make him go here and meet you, sorry that I had to lie, it was just hard for him” or like “Hi mom, I hitched with this guy just so he could know the direction from there to here, just so he could meet you and yes, I did it for him, I made it easier for him”. It’s just kind of disappointing how they couldn’t even try it themselves since they are “courting” you, that you were the one who should set and prepare things up just for them, to make it convenient for them to face your parents.

I never really made it feel important to get my parents’ approval whenever I’m having a relationship or what but it’s really important to me, being legal with my parents because they are so important to me that lying to them feels bad. But you know, the things we do for the people we love. This is cray. Haha.  Oh my thoughts.

Feelings + Going On

It took me a while to write something like this. No, I am not going to elaborate our story because I realized how it was so precious for me that I don’t like sharing. It’s like preserving a beautiful memory. I get pretty selfish like that.

It is a no-brainer that it was a precious ride with that person. I have never felt completely happy and thankful for my life than when I was with him. It was the best days of my life and I am still thankful for those. No one has ever made me feel that I deserve to be happy the way this person did. My experiences from the past and how I am kind of got into me, that I didn’t know how to handle it better. I admit that I am not the most lovable or the most expressive person when it comes to relationships. I mean, I could’ve been one, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was fear, maybe I just can’t, but being like that never changed what I felt since day one. No matter how much I get really hormonal, I am proud to say that there was never a moment that I was unsure of what I was feeling. That day.. I can still remember that day when we called it off. Our anger got into our heads pretty quickly. Maybe it was PMS for me since that time was nearing my period or maybe it was just that I was tired with all the things that’s been happening in my personal life, or maybe not. But we were so vulnerable that we took the decision of calling it off. It was sad, really. I still wish we could’ve been better than letting the anger get into us but yeah, both of us weren’t strong enough.

You see, the thing is, the way I expressed it was so minimal but my feelings should never be questioned because I know in myself that what I felt since day one have never changed. When I said that, that person is the only one, I meant it. I never had anyone other than that person. When I said ‘I love you’, I really meant it, even if it meant losing that person. When I said ‘I trust you’, I really meant it. I trusted the person, that I believed he wouldn’t hurt me.

I sometimes think if giving too much space on people is good or bad. I tend to give so much space that I tend to lose them. It’s a mind game I still haven’t mastered.

When you love a person so much, you try to give them what they want even if it’s hard for you. Dearly, I loved someone so much that even if he asked to end what we had, I let him. After all, what could I do? He used to say that the control in a relationship lies on who feels less and unfortunately, it was him. I just sometimes wonder, how could one person who used to love you, became all decided to call it off without taking in consideration what he really feels about you, that you both know you want it but the other doesn’t want to figure it out anymore. Maybe it’s just my delusion, or maybe not. I just think that there were too many beautiful things that two people were too blind to see between them but they choose to stop and separate, that there were love but they refuse to take it. Some people have no plans on quitting on people but why do people give up on them? Don’t they deserve to be fought for? It’s still a question that I have been asking myself for the last 3 years and I thought I found an answer but then, it slipped away, like before. It was too dramatic.

Imagine a scene where you are on the edge of a cliff and the person you love is holding your hand as if trying to save you. You try so hard to hold his hand so you won’t slip away and fall even if your hand is sweaty that it’s hard for him to hold you any longer. And then there’s that one point that he just gives up and lets you go no matter how you still want to live. And then you slipped. You fell. You died. You can’t go back anymore even if you want to.

The one thing that I realized in loving someone is that, no matter how much it hurts you, the good things are still what matters the most, well that’s for me. And just as I was typing this, I saw a photo on my Facebook timeline saying, “Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason why it will.” I guess the universe agrees with me. Maybe that’s why I never give up on people, because I always believe that as long as I love the person, I would always like to fix it, even if it’s one-sided, even if it’s hard, even if it’s really complicated. When things get really bad, when there are too many reasons to give up, there will always be that one reason I always choose- my love for the person. It would be better if the other person feels the same, but if not, then that’s just too bad.

I believe that in the recent relationship I had, official or not, I believed in it, that it would be better than before. And it was. I think at some point we both became selfish but I think it’s safe to say that I have never spilled out how I get hurt most of the time. I chose not to say it, not only because I have a hard time speaking out but also because I chose to forgive and forget. I chose all the good things we had over some bad things we were having. I was never expressive in relationships. I admit that. But I hope it wasn’t a reason for it to end. My feelings never changed since that night he first kissed me. And no, there was never another one, just him, always. I sometimes think why it wasn’t the same for him, you know, forgiving and forgetting the bad things and choosing the good part and believing in me, reminding himself of the trust he gave me that I will make it right, reminding himself of when he told me he’ll hold on to that. But I guess people will always leave you. They will just think they don’t want anymore and just give up, no matter how much you try to win them back or no matter how many good things there were. I will never understand that. One minute you were still trying and then the next, one just gives up. It just kind of really sucks when you were the one who is given up on. It really makes you think how you will never be good enough for others; especially to those people you think are perfect. But then, I realized just by watching Iron Man 3 that, there will always be that one person you don’t have to try getting his attention because you will always be perfect for him, no matter how flawed you think you are. I am not really into that realization since I stopped believing that there is that one person for me after that thing in 2011 but I am slightly believing in that since my best friend keeps on injecting that to my brain, in a good way. Though I wished that person I had a relationship recently would prove that to me, but oh well. People are people. I understand that there’s nothing left to save, I know that and I totally understand. Still cheers to all the good things and to the brighter side. Life must go on and I will keep rolling.