Old Self

My best friend and I always talk on the phone whenever I feel a little whatever and every time we do, I always get something or realize something that I have forgotten for a while.

Just recently, we talked about my old self. She said how she misses the Cola back in high school. And then I thought, yeah, it kind of makes sense.

Back in the days, I am always fond of doing a lot of things. I educate myself when it comes to my graphic design, take a lot of photos of different things, talk to almost everybody, write as much as I could about many different things, blog my days away. Everything has been my habit and I admit how I was pretty happy that time, with all of the things I am doing and with everything that has been happening to me despite some negative things that usually happen. I was like this happy-go-lucky girl who was never afraid of taking risks, loving and letting go. As much as I don’t want to admit it, things changed when I stepped into college. College is the best thing that happened to me, it’s just different back in high school, maybe because I was innocent back then. It made me thinking that, I also miss those times when I was so eager to do a lot of things and I am motivated every day to learn more. I miss those times when I am not afraid of anything and I just go with whatever that makes me happy. It’s a different feeling when you know that you are not afraid and that you can easily get through stuff.

I kind of want that Cola back but it’s just different this time. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ll be totally out of my comfort zone soon and it makes me more scared. Or maybe because I got drained with all the fun and work in college because you know, I kind of intended to bury myself with a lot of work to gain experience. Or maybe I just grew up and I'm just over-thinking things right now, like maybe I got better right now, like more mature, I just don't see it, because I was a kid back then and being a kid will always be fun.

But yeah, college is still better, forevs.

Fear of Speaking and Flowery Words

For a while now, I have been having a bum life, basically because I’m just waiting for my graduation to come and finding a job is not in my plans yet. I have been talking to people, personal stuff only to the few people I trust. Basically, my life has been getting by lately. I’ve been trying to find some new stuff to do but I always end up being on steady mode. And then I thought, aren’t I always? Haha.

I have been meaning to write some stuff to voice out anything that has been bugging me lately but whenever I get in front of my computer, I just black out. There are some stuff that I want to write about but after a while, I just think about how they will draw issues or conclusions to some people. So most of the time, I just shut up and let things be. I think that’s also one of the things that I have learned for the past year. The more you speak, the more drama or trouble you will get into, which reminds me of the episode of Awkward I just watched recently wherein Jenna was more close to her ex, Jake, than her boyfriend, Matty, just because she can tell Jake anything whereas to Matty, she’s scared of voicing out things that might lead him to going away or like be judged by him. There are people that we’d rather not talk to about things because they will not understand and we think that telling them things will provide greater chances of them walking away from us. It is normal that we feel this over some people but I think that is what makes us vulnerable when of comes to these people. We are so scared to spill whatever’s been in our minds that we try to avoid them. Good thing with Jenna, Matty was patient enough for her.

Things, things.. They make us crazy all the time.

I’m slightly starting to realize some stuff. People are sometimes not the ones we think they are. Not that this is related to the previous sentence, but there are things that happened lately that I never talked about. I don’t even know why, but it feels weird.

I’ve been thinking about those people who assure you about something but don’t even mean it. It’s their way of making you feel better, lessening the guilt they have for hurting you or for being different from who they are whenever they are with you. I am trying to understand their side but I can’t really think of any good reason for them doing it. It’s just really confusing when they seem to tell you they care and they will be honest to you but the next thing you know they are just doing the opposite of what they have told you. I do not understand why some people can do that. Why don’t they just tell the truth? That’s what they want, right? I just feel betrayed with all of the things that have been happening lately, the lies, the flowery words that seem to have hurtful truths behind. And what’s funny is that, you have figured it out and they still lie in front of your face, thinking that they can fool you. Oh, the shame. I don’t know if some people are just fools or they are just plain assholes. And then what’s worse is that, you didn’t expect them to lie to you after all those years or months of friendship or whatever relationship you have. But then I thought; if that’s what they want to do, then go. Do it. After all, I am known to receive any shit there is, not that it meant I care, though.

Note that there are a lot of people in my life.