Homesick

I've been thinking a lot lately with things I should not be thinking. I don't know. It's like my sickness. I always over think things and so it lead me to something I don't really want to feel.

So classes just started. I moved to a new condo, which my mom furnished. I really feel sad for my mom. We spent a lot for the things in the condo. From the dining, to my bed, to the accessories in it. And to think that my mom would go there almost everyday to fix stuff, and she would treat the worker to a lunch or snack or whatever. There are a lot of expenses aside from the condo and I feel really sad. I would see my mom with the sad face and I know and I can feel that she has so many problems about money, especially this month because it's enrollment month. My dad's work isn't really in demand at the moment so he don't get his salary that much. There are times that I wanted to cry because I really feel that mom's really bothered and tired. I would just hug her or make her smile because I don't want her being sad. I can't stand it. It's like the pain I feel whenever I am in an argument with someone I love (romance). I even cried on my first night in my new condo because I really miss her, and I want to be with her. I would always go their house every night to watch some telenovelas with her in the bed and go back to our house when I want to sleep already. It’s actually the first time I cried over my mom, because I want to be with her in years. The last time was when I was in my 1st grade. It was when a lover of mine sat beside me the whole day and I felt really scared. After that day, I usually cry in school because I want my mom beside me. I even had a picture of her in my table in school. I can say that as I grew up, I’ve grown away from my mom, I mean we still spend some time but not that much anymore. We became really close again, just last year. I guess because I’ve been away from her every weekday that I would miss her. I’ve never been this sentimental about my mom, but as of now, I can really feel that I love her, that I can really feel how much she loves me by doing things to make me happy. She’s the best mom in the whole wide world! I really miss her, like Oh my fucking gosh I miss her like hell! I feel really homesick. I miss my dad also and Sab, my niece.

Work + Time Management

Ever since I entered college, I've been really active with my extra curricular activities. I first joined GMG. It's a media production thingy whatever (I don't know the exact thing they call us) of DLSU. I joined it because I wanted to do those things, like make productions for the different groups in Cultural Arts Office. I also wanted to meet a lot of people because I wanted to know more about college and my course is related to the things they do in GMG. It was a really fun experience for me. Then my friend asked me if I want to join Santugon as a campaign officer. I signed up for Santugon during their recruitment and it is really my first choice of political party since I've heard a lot of things about Santugon because my friend once ran for a position in USG under Santugon. Then I also joined our Batch Government and was accepted as AVP for Publicity. Not long enough, I joined University Frosh Core for Santugon. So mainly, I spent my first year of college with GMG, Santugon, BG and my blockmates. I loved being busy and I got used to it since I'm living in a condo near DLSU which gave me more time to waste. It was kind of exciting and I became really productive since my jobs demanded lots of effort and time. But as things are going on, there are times that I've been really busy that I left my academics at risk. This scenario happens every once a term and it's kind of killing me. What can I do if I'm happy with what I am doing?

Okay, the first part is some kind of a short, more like long, introduction of what I will be talking about in this post.

Our university's newly elected USG Treasurer talked to me and offered me a position in his office for this school year. My boyfriend and I broke up and forgetting is somehow hard for me to do, so I accepted his offer. And, who wouldn't want to work in USG. As the summer went on and on, and recruitments / applications are everywhere in Facebook, I tried applying for OSEC. I don't know. I guess I just wanted to keep myself busy so I could be more productive and forget everything that's distracting me. I was accepted also. Then Daddy Kiel talked to me about giving me a position in Santugon EVP because he was elected as Santugon's Executive Vice President. So basically, I have three jobs for next year. That is some kind of a whole pack of work. I applied for BSG, Batch Student Government, for this year and hoping to get a much lighter job, I applied for Logistics. But then, I got accepted for publicity. So here's the thing, with all these jobs, I really don't know how to do it. I mean, most of my jobs are publicity and I am quite afraid that I run out of ideas in mind. I'm pretty scared also that my academics would be in danger since I will be having majors this year. That's my concern. I don't know. I'm scared that I could have bad time management and things get screwed and such. I am really worried. But on a lighter note, it's quite a relief that I will get to be busy which means, I could take my mind off of everything I've been trying to avoid.

Vintage-y Post Process

So I tried to make my own post processing set in Photoshop. I wanted some vintage-y look on photos so I had it look like this. I was wondering to do this setting in every photo in my photo library because this look is something relaxing and sophisticated. I miss my UFC family so I used our photos for sample.

My UFC family back in January. :)

It's me after our photoshoot last January. I have a weird bangs here. Both pictures were taken during our photoshoot last January, hosted by me. :)

Subic Homes + Camayan Cove

Who: Our family and our family friend

What: The annual thing at Subic/Clark

When: April 29 - May 1 2011

Where: Subic Homes and Camayan Cove, Subic Bay Metropolitan Authority

Every year, my family and our family friend stay for nights at Subic or Clark, Pampanga. It was always like this, every summer, every holy week. We normally stay in Blue Mountain or Forrest Hills villas if Subic is our choice for the year. This year, we stayed at this private house at Subic Homes. I love having this every year, just putting on some music and have a roadtrip. It's really nice. Well, I didn't do such things for this trip because I wanted to rest because I've been so stress for the past months. On our first day, it was the day when the Royal Wedding was held. I stayed at the house for the whole day because I wanted to watch it. I guess I really dream for a fairy tale someday.

Day 1 - Subic Homes

This is my niece, Sab, crying. I love this picture. It's so pink.

Most of the pictures here are Sab. They played at the playground beside our house.

Sab eating mini Oreos.

Day 2 - Camayan Cove

We went to the beach. Camayan Cove, again. The beach was full so we stayed at the sand (yeah, sand). Then we saw this kubo which was reserved but those who had this reserved were not there yet, so we took advantage of the empty kubo and we stayed there for the meantime, good thing they arrived when we were about to leave. I wasn't able to swim because of this monthly thing that girls have. It sucks.

I think this is so funny. Look at her face. Haha!

Eating Pringles! I look different here.

I just love this scene.

Half Sab!

Kubo with the old ones. Ate Etchie, Tita Perla, Tita Fel, Tita Millet, I-forgot-her-name, Tita Grace and me.

There were lots of monkeys at the back of the kubo. Tita Fel keep on giving them food so, lots of monkeys kept on coming.

Sab eating my ice cream. We were waiting for my brothers because they were having their henna made.

My mom is such a paparazzi.

I love the ice cream. Sorry, I am getting speechless.

Sorry, it's my mom. Haha!

After swimming, we ate at Meat Plus then headed off to Duty Free to buy flip flops. I love this Havaianas place here because this is where I found my size, the size that fits me. It's hard to find the right size for my feet, I swear.

Day 3 - Home Bound

This is where we stayed. Heading home.

We drove to Pampanga first before going home. We always go to this Pampanga's Best place in San Fernando where the best ensaymada is at.

Who Says

I am not really a fan of these teen Disney girls. I just saw this music video of Selena Gomez's song called, Who Says and then the beat is kind of catchy plus the message of the song. I just read on Tumblr that this song is dedicated to Demi Lovato who, as far as I know, went to rehab because of some psychological disorder thing. I am not sure of that, though. There are many people hate Demi because of it. Okay, I am not making any sense with what I am saying because I, myself, don't know if what I am saying is true. In any case, my point is, it's really nice of Selena to dedicate such a song to Demi. The message of the song is really nice and I think many teens nowadays could really get a lesson from it. It's not about having the best look, the in-style clothes you wear, the thousands of money you have, or how many Blair Waldorf minions you have. It's about being you, the beauty of you. Many girls have been insecure with their looks, complaining how fat they are, how imperfect their faces are, because they want to be like those "perfect" fashion models. And their peers are keeping them down. It's one of the sad things that teenagers nowadays feel. I admit, I feel the same about myself. But I'm not ugly. I embrace the imperfections in me and doing so, I can say I am beautiful. It's the true standard of being beautiful, accepting yourself and being confident about yourself that you can do everything more than other people can. And that is what the song is about. I guess Selena wants to tell Demi that no matter how many people hate her, no matter what they say about her, no one can ever tell her she can't do it because she really can do it, everybody can.

Here's a little part from the lyrics:

I wouldn't want to be anybody else. You made me insecure, Told me I wasn't good enough. But who are you to judge, When you're a diamond in the rough. I'm sure you got some things, You'd like to change about yourself. But when it comes to me, I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I'm no beauty queen. I'm just beautiful me. You've got every right, To a beautiful life. Who says, Who says you're not perfect, Who says you're not worth it, Who says you're the only one that's hurting. Trust me, That's the price of beauty. Who says you're not pretty, Who says you're not beautiful, Who says. 

I Don't Know

I am actually writing this out of some shitty things that are happening. I just watched No Strings Attached and yes, I got affected once again. I know, this is probably weird because every time I watch a romance movie, I get to feel shit about my life and myself and my love life. It's like I want to be like those girls who doesn't even care about love and stuff. They meet with a lot of people and none of those guys could really bring her walls down. Then suddenly, one guy comes along and then her life has changed forever. This is kind of a bull shit, right? Watching romance movies and then trying to imagine your life and then you feel bad about everything around you. I am not the kind of person that is easy to love. Well I think it's easier to fool me than to love me. And it sucks. You meet a few people and none of them really loves you, none of them really cares to stay.

Okay, I'm sorry. I know, I've been blogging about how people always leave, but to tell you, I, myself, couldn't accept the fact that people leave. There are times that I can't really think straight because all I can think about is how screwed I am, how terrible my love life has been. I know, this is some kind of childish entry, that I am too young to be mad like this, but I don't know. I just feel shit. I swear, I am never going to watch romance, ever again.

Dear Ex Bestfriend

I was looking through my old stuff when I saw a letter I wrote for my ex bestfriend, years ago. It's kind of funny that I call him "ex". I wrote this letter, but I never gave it to him. Why? Because things are really complicated. And talking about him in public can make everything worse, again. He's my last bestfriend. Yes, he's a he. I'm still bitter, until now, not that I still care about him like I still love him (as my bestfriend). It's just that the way it ended was something.. Ugh. So, here it goes..

Dear __________,

As much as I wanted you to read this, you can't because I, too, can't make you read this. I've been wanting to talk to you but even you can't let me. My family's a mess. Mom and dad keeps on singing their throats out, fighting. My mom's crying over the bills we should pay and the things we are paying. My brother's screaming at me with awful words which include that I don't have any value in this house. The CINGLEs are having problems, others are acting weird. I can't seem to carry myself out. I feel like everything's falling apart. And my own bestfriend, too, is included. Where are you? Why can't you be here with me? I understand that you should be yourself, be with her and not always stick with me. But are times like this, part of it, times that I don't know anyone to talk to? You're not returning my calls nor responding to my messages. What happened? Where are you? It's killing me to death not even seeing you. I know you love her so much, your girl, but is avoiding me part of it? No offensement. And yes, everyone hate me again, for the reason I don't even know. Memories are flashing back, all of them. I can remember the same time when everyone's acting a little weird and you're the only one there. The times when we only have us to lean on, the times when we say we won't leave each other. I wish those days weren't over yet. How I wish we could have one day. One day is enough than never, that day full of surprises, spending time with each other, doing things we haven't done yet, doing things that bestfriends do. I am not numb. I know the things that changed, even the small things. They always say that things always change. I wish our friendship wasn't included.

Sincerely,

Cola

I actually deleted some parts. I wrote this, two to three years ago, when my life has been in its worst and my best friend is close to gone. It's not like we have shared a lot of memories with each other, something like those "best friends since kids". No, nothing like that. It was weird also, when we started. But like many things, our friendship changed. Everything just became complicated that he can't talk to me anymore because his girl forbids him to make contact with me. It sucks, and childish. Once, he tried to get things back the way they were used to be and then, it all got screwed, again. He even offered me his candle during our retreat, where he told me how sorry he was and how he wanted things to be back like before and then after that day, we're not talking to each other again (and yes, it's because of the girl, partly). It just feels weird that he has to do those things that can make our relationship break. I just thought he's different from anybody. I guess that's how it is, we would think that some people in our lives are different from everybody but as it goes along, they will prove to us that everybody's just the same. I never had any bestfriend after him. And I wish I have one right now, though.