It took me a while to write something like this. No, I am
not going to elaborate our story because I realized how it was so precious for
me that I don’t like sharing. It’s like preserving a beautiful memory. I get
pretty selfish like that.
It is a no-brainer that it was a precious ride with that
person. I have never felt completely happy and thankful for my life than when I
was with him. It was the best days of my life and I am still thankful for
those. No one has ever made me feel that I deserve to be happy the way this
person did. My experiences from the past and how I am kind of got into me, that
I didn’t know how to handle it better. I admit that I am not the most lovable
or the most expressive person when it comes to relationships. I mean, I could’ve
been one, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was fear, maybe I just can’t, but being like
that never changed what I felt since day one. No matter how much I get really
hormonal, I am proud to say that there was never a moment that I was unsure of
what I was feeling. That day.. I can still remember that day when we called it
off. Our anger got into our heads pretty quickly. Maybe it was PMS for me since
that time was nearing my period or maybe it was just that I was tired with all
the things that’s been happening in my personal life, or maybe not. But we were
so vulnerable that we took the decision of calling it off. It was sad, really.
I still wish we could’ve been better than letting the anger get into us but
yeah, both of us weren’t strong enough.
You see, the thing is, the way I expressed it was so minimal
but my feelings should never be questioned because I know in myself that what I
felt since day one have never changed. When I said that, that person is the
only one, I meant it. I never had anyone other than that person. When I said ‘I
love you’, I really meant it, even if it meant losing that person. When I said
‘I trust you’, I really meant it. I trusted the person, that I believed he wouldn’t
hurt me.
I sometimes think if giving too much space on people is good
or bad. I tend to give so much space that I tend to lose them. It’s a mind game
I still haven’t mastered.
When you love a person so much, you try to give them what
they want even if it’s hard for you. Dearly, I loved someone so much that even
if he asked to end what we had, I let him. After all, what could I do? He used
to say that the control in a relationship lies on who feels less and
unfortunately, it was him. I just sometimes wonder, how could one person who
used to love you, became all decided to call it off without taking in
consideration what he really feels about you, that you both know you want it
but the other doesn’t want to figure it out anymore. Maybe it’s just my
delusion, or maybe not. I just think that there were too many beautiful things
that two people were too blind to see between them but they choose to stop and
separate, that there were love but they refuse to take it. Some people have no plans
on quitting on people but why do people give up on them? Don’t they deserve to
be fought for? It’s still a question that I have been asking myself for the
last 3 years and I thought I found an answer but then, it slipped away, like
before. It was too dramatic.
Imagine a scene where you are on the edge of a cliff and the
person you love is holding your hand as if trying to save you. You try so hard
to hold his hand so you won’t slip away and fall even if your hand is sweaty
that it’s hard for him to hold you any longer. And then there’s that one point
that he just gives up and lets you go no matter how you still want to live. And
then you slipped. You fell. You died. You can’t go back anymore even if you
want to.
The one thing that I realized in loving someone is that, no
matter how much it hurts you, the good things are still what matters the most,
well that’s for me. And just as I was typing this, I saw a photo on my Facebook
timeline saying, “Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one
reason why it will.” I guess the universe agrees with me. Maybe that’s why I
never give up on people, because I always believe that as long as I love the
person, I would always like to fix it, even if it’s one-sided, even if it’s
hard, even if it’s really complicated. When things get really bad, when there
are too many reasons to give up, there will always be that one reason I always
choose- my love for the person. It would be better if the other person feels
the same, but if not, then that’s just too bad.
I believe that in the recent relationship I had, official or
not, I believed in it, that it would be better than before. And it was. I think
at some point we both became selfish but I think it’s safe to say that I have
never spilled out how I get hurt most of the time. I chose not to say it, not
only because I have a hard time speaking out but also because I chose to
forgive and forget. I chose all the good things we had over some bad things we
were having. I was never expressive in relationships. I admit that. But I hope
it wasn’t a reason for it to end. My feelings never changed since that night he
first kissed me. And no, there was never another one, just him, always. I
sometimes think why it wasn’t the same for him, you know, forgiving and
forgetting the bad things and choosing the good part and believing in me,
reminding himself of the trust he gave me that I will make it right, reminding
himself of when he told me he’ll hold on to that. But I guess people will
always leave you. They will just think they don’t want anymore and just give
up, no matter how much you try to win them back or no matter how many good
things there were. I will never understand that. One minute you were still
trying and then the next, one just gives up. It just kind of really sucks when
you were the one who is given up on. It really makes you think how you will
never be good enough for others; especially to those people you think are
perfect. But then, I realized just by watching Iron Man 3 that, there will
always be that one person you don’t have to try getting his attention because
you will always be perfect for him, no matter how flawed you think you are. I
am not really into that realization since I stopped believing that there is
that one person for me after that thing in 2011 but I am slightly believing in
that since my best friend keeps on injecting that to my brain, in a good way.
Though I wished that person I had a relationship recently would prove that to
me, but oh well. People are people. I understand that there’s nothing left to
save, I know that and I totally understand. Still cheers to all the good things and to the brighter
side. Life must go on and I will keep rolling.
