What To Do

Even as a kid, I've always wanted to do a lot of things. I wanted to be an interior designer, a doctor, an editor-in-chief, I wanted to be so successful. My mind has been like that ever since. I wanted to do a lot of things but I never had a clear and stable view of who I wanted to be, just a successful woman on top of the world. I must say that I am one of those people who call themselves "jack of all trades, master of none". It sounds like a perfect description of ones' self because you know a lot of things, but it's quite sad how you can't call yourself a master of something. It's hard to get a hold of yourself and the life that is ahead of you when you are lost on what you can do, and what your really want to do. One minute you want to be so passionate about something, but on the other, you are there, feeling lost again. It's advisable to figure it out at an early age, but is that really something that is right to do? I mean what should you really do?

Twenty Thirteen

Late

Few years ago, when blogging became one of my routines, I started this annual year ender blog post. I would always try to look back on the year that has gone by, every 31^st of December and try to appreciate all the experiences I had for each month. Since I haven’t really updated my Tumblr blog in a long time, I thought I could still create my annual year-ender blog post and feel nostalgic over the past year. So, I’m thinking of maybe transferring my year-ender here but instead of categorizing it per month, I decided to jumble it a little and focus on the things that tested me for this year. It was a really tough year honestly and I am really thankful I survived.

My year started off a bit crazy. It was supposed to be a holiday but I was working on our thesis. Our thesis had tested every aspect of me, physically, mentally, emotional. It was a tough challenge for me especially because our project wasn’t really something that is very easy to do. We had a lot of circumstances before we even had our topic approved. Add to that the amount of time and effort we have to put in to make it all possible. It was a rough road especially because it wasn’t the only thing I have in that time of my life. I had my usual academics, organizations, family, friends, and a person really dear to me. My year started off intensely overwhelming with pressure and all. I started becoming really tired with everything that has been happening and I believe I was in a really low point. But I must say, my friends really helped me get through it. I must say that in times of deep pressure and heaviness, your friends will stick to you and help you survive.

Even though I had the support that time, the imperfect me still couldn’t carry it all and really focus on the things that matter. I took some things and people for granted that it really created something worse. It wasn’t really my intention. I was emotionally unstable that time and I couldn’t handle it all right. Because of that, I lost something that is very important in my life. Losing something on the verge of it all was the last thing I needed that time. But I knew it was my fault. It’s just that, the timing was really off and it was something I thought would last a little longer. At this point, I knew I was in a lower point. It was an intense struggle to fight for survival and for acceptance of the things that ended. As usual, it was really devastating. But after all, I had my friends, and even met some new ones. I had it all coming through me, but I refused to accept it in a way that I didn’t entertain it that much although, it was a really tough time. It was an experience I would never forget, because I saw myself really struggling to the point of blaming myself every single day. It was something I never thought I would experience. But there, I lost it. I lost it all. Good job for myself, for not being good enough, again.

Then I came to the point of forcing myself to be okay and not to feel anything. It was an intensely hard thing to do. Imagine yourself, feeling all down but you had to keep it to yourself as if nothing happened, when in reality, your life is missing a big hole. Imagine clowning it, concealing all possible negative feeling you have. I had to, because I was afraid to lose even the tiniest hope of keeping that thing I lost. Tough times, really. I then claimed the love-hate term YOLO and did things I was scared of or didn’t have the energy to do, without caring. It happened for months until it came to a point that it all hid naturally. I had a feeling of numbness that I still have up to this day. It was something I never expected, especially coming from me who had all the feelings in the world. I started feeling steady, slowly not caring about anything there is. I was just really tired, tired of dealing with things. All the things that happened in the first months of this year made me so tired that I couldn’t make a reaction or feel excited about anything. It may be a sad state but to me, that’s better than feeling anything.

Then graduation came in. It was the most fulfilling thing, especially coming from a person who had it the hard way. I have never really been someone who is so addicted to studying. It has always been other things over my studies. But that doesn’t mean I am a failure when it comes to my academics. It’s just that I would always put experience first over the technical thing. So this month, I have graduated from a prestigious university and can proudly say that I have fucking made it, I’m done with school. It was a really tough journey and I am really glad I made it. I was ecstatic to be in that ceremony. I felt like I was becoming a grown up. It was the best. But I didn’t really feel whole. But I told myself that it’s time to focus and regain what had lost in me, probably make myself whole again.

Since I graduated already, it had to look for a job, of course, something that would probably make me more independent. But like everyone in this world, it took some time. While I was waiting for some feedback and all, I became a legit bum. Believe me, with all the academic struggles, it was something I really needed. I went out all the time, like the unusual me. I went out with people, became like a kid again. I did all I can so I could chill out and take that emotional rest I have been wanting for months. And I did get it, for a short while.

When months came in, I kind of started doubting, becoming frustrated. A lot of things around me pressured me to gain something. I thought I had to get everything done right there, in that moment and place. But I remained patient even though I really wanted to tear my hair out. It was just a lot of frustrations, pressure, and somehow feeling something. I was seeing myself questioning all the reasons that people would give me, and deciding on what is logical. I must say, I saw myself absorbing everything but taking things lightly and logically.

A job landed on my lap one day, what’s more surprising is that, there were two jobs. At the same time, two choices from another aspect landed on my lap as well. It was crazy. But I knew I had to take in one for each. And I did. I was perfectly happy for the job I chose and for this other thing. I felt like becoming really mature and independent for having to create big decisions for myself.

I also came to this stage where I had to chose between keeping my walls really high and sturdy or going YOLO. It’s not like it was something I was really bothered with, because seriously, my priorities were all set up and it was something that I placed on the last parts of my priorities list. I chose to YOLO and tried to let someone in. After all, I didn’t want to regret not taking a chance, just like what happened in my previous “moments”. It turned out to be perfectly fine. Surprisingly, I saw myself being mature about it. It’s not like it took a lot from me, but it helped me become a better and more understanding person. I must say I got to know better, and was able to apply what I learned in my past, learning to have faith and believing in something that most people would have given up on. It was intensely nice, I must say. For the first time in my life, I felt positive. It’s not like I was so hopeful for that thing to work out. It was like accepting and believing in something you never thought you would. But then, as the year ended, it also ended, for the reason being what usually happens to me. I wasn’t that affected. I took it maturely, completely accepting that some things just don’t work out, and it’s fine. I mean, a lot of things don’t. And besides I had it all figured out since the beginning. I knew it was going to happen in that time and moment. And honestly, I was really tired of dealing with the same reason over and over again. And I realized, things can be as simple as black and white areas, but people would always complicate it. People would always get overwhelmed with the things that are not really overwhelming. Some people take things too seriously and irrationally. I’m just happy that I took care of myself well and just chilled my head out instead of overthinking and letting things kill me. It’s something I think one of the things I learned this year.

Up to this moment, I can’t really feel anything. The numbness is still there but it’s totally better that way. No love, no hate, just pure indifference. It’s not really as bad as you think, honestly, especially coming from a person like me. It’s perfectly fine. And I never forget to be thankful for all the experiences and lessons that happened to me. They made me become a better person. And for all the bad things I have experienced, I’m proud to say that I survived well, and that nothing can really break those achievements. You gotta fight and believe all the time, you know! Cheers to a pain in the ass year! 

Never An Open Book

When you have been raised being given with all the material things on your list, people, especially parents, would always think that you’d be fine. I have observed that with people whose parents have been separated, their parents would always give their kids the things they want. I have realized that the reason why they do this is because they wanted their kids to be happy despite all the drama and pain they have caused their kids, thinking that it would somehow make up for it.

I don’t have separated parents but I have all the material things I wanted. My parents have given me everything they could give and I have always been thankful for that, no matter how much they think I’m not. If you look at it, I may have a perfect life. But I will tell you the statement that I have realized myself, no one is perfect and you won’t have it all.

No matter how gifted I am when it comes to the material things, I was never at peace. Maybe I was just eager to get these things because I wanted them to fill out the emptiness that never left me since forever. My parents would always tell me that I should be thankful that I have everything and they have given those to me. I am really thankful. It’s just sad that it seems like they think I am all “material” when they don’t even bother talking to me, in a calm way. I always have those moments where I would almost cry to my mom because of the heaviness of what I am carrying inside. But I can’t, because it’s either they would give me a sermon or they would take it differently. I think it’s because they are traditional. And they think that I could never have any problem and if I do, it would be non-sense, because I have everything in my life so what’s there to fail. So I tend to act like a strong girl in front of them, with no feelings at all, someone who looks like she doesn’t care, someone who looks like a happy-go-lucky person, which is pretty much working. But does that make me feel happy? No, not at all. There are a lot of aspects in my life in which they didn’t know I had problems with. And they didn’t know how much they have consumed me. They just don’t know things, yet it is as if I am not allowed to have problems. There are some things that I do that they don’t understand and which they always try pinning back to the material things issue. That’s a little complicated and tiring. If only they knew how I have been for the last year, it’s a good thing that I am still alive and trying my best to at least be steady. But often times, I just couldn’t carry it anymore, especially now that my life’s a little complicated. I would really love to at least get comfort from them, but if that means I will get pinned down, I’d rather not. Besides, we have never gotten into an emotional stuff so why burden them some more with what I carry? Though I think a parent-child relationship that involves being comfortable talking about your feelings is something that is very healthy and ideal. Too bad I don’t have it. Like I said, you can’t have it all.

Life Instructions

Do you know those moments when you should be the one making the decision yet people always butt in and tell you what to do? What is more annoying than experiencing that your whole life, like every single thing is dictated to you? They will always tell you to do this and do that, as if it’s their life. They don’t let you live a dangerous life, even for a little, so you get used to the safe life. Are you living your own life? Obviously, no.

Pain in the ass people. Deep breaths, deep breaths..

Why Complicate?

It has been a while since I last wrote something. It’s not exactly that I have been busy with things but it is because over the past months, I have been keeping things to myself and letting it fade, which I don’t know if it’s working. I’ve also been trying to keep my life private and personal, especially the status of the mental and emotional aspects of it. I have been constantly talking to only two people though about those stuff.

I have been working hard to improve myself lately and I had this one-on-one thing with some guy and we got to talk about relationships. It is somehow related to what my friend and me talked about. I am kind of analyzing the situation of “I like you but we can’t be together”.

I have been thinking that if two people like or love each other, what’s there to go in between? I couldn’t understand how things have to take and meddle into a relationship that is supposed to be strong and bonded. What could go wrong if you two feel the same or if there is something that is so special about your relationship? It has to work, isn’t it; no matter how things get difficult?

One of my friends once told, “Both of you look stupid. You know you still want each other but you’re not together” I thought, point taken! How can one decision or choice could be so complicated if you can just say, “you like me, I like you, let’s be together!” Why complicate things with “Oh we can’t be together, you have to be like this, you have to be like that. You’re too like this, you’re too like that,” if you can just shut your whines and figure it out together? You don’t always have to be dramatic and try to ruin the precious thing you have there.

It is not applicable if there is abuse, though, because seriously, it is not love if there is abuse.

It’s not me being all positive with relationships and all. I just observed. My beliefs and say about my own stays with me privately and can only be known if you ask me personally. Hah.

Old Self

My best friend and I always talk on the phone whenever I feel a little whatever and every time we do, I always get something or realize something that I have forgotten for a while.

Just recently, we talked about my old self. She said how she misses the Cola back in high school. And then I thought, yeah, it kind of makes sense.

Back in the days, I am always fond of doing a lot of things. I educate myself when it comes to my graphic design, take a lot of photos of different things, talk to almost everybody, write as much as I could about many different things, blog my days away. Everything has been my habit and I admit how I was pretty happy that time, with all of the things I am doing and with everything that has been happening to me despite some negative things that usually happen. I was like this happy-go-lucky girl who was never afraid of taking risks, loving and letting go. As much as I don’t want to admit it, things changed when I stepped into college. College is the best thing that happened to me, it’s just different back in high school, maybe because I was innocent back then. It made me thinking that, I also miss those times when I was so eager to do a lot of things and I am motivated every day to learn more. I miss those times when I am not afraid of anything and I just go with whatever that makes me happy. It’s a different feeling when you know that you are not afraid and that you can easily get through stuff.

I kind of want that Cola back but it’s just different this time. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ll be totally out of my comfort zone soon and it makes me more scared. Or maybe because I got drained with all the fun and work in college because you know, I kind of intended to bury myself with a lot of work to gain experience. Or maybe I just grew up and I'm just over-thinking things right now, like maybe I got better right now, like more mature, I just don't see it, because I was a kid back then and being a kid will always be fun.

But yeah, college is still better, forevs.

Fear of Speaking and Flowery Words

For a while now, I have been having a bum life, basically because I’m just waiting for my graduation to come and finding a job is not in my plans yet. I have been talking to people, personal stuff only to the few people I trust. Basically, my life has been getting by lately. I’ve been trying to find some new stuff to do but I always end up being on steady mode. And then I thought, aren’t I always? Haha.

I have been meaning to write some stuff to voice out anything that has been bugging me lately but whenever I get in front of my computer, I just black out. There are some stuff that I want to write about but after a while, I just think about how they will draw issues or conclusions to some people. So most of the time, I just shut up and let things be. I think that’s also one of the things that I have learned for the past year. The more you speak, the more drama or trouble you will get into, which reminds me of the episode of Awkward I just watched recently wherein Jenna was more close to her ex, Jake, than her boyfriend, Matty, just because she can tell Jake anything whereas to Matty, she’s scared of voicing out things that might lead him to going away or like be judged by him. There are people that we’d rather not talk to about things because they will not understand and we think that telling them things will provide greater chances of them walking away from us. It is normal that we feel this over some people but I think that is what makes us vulnerable when of comes to these people. We are so scared to spill whatever’s been in our minds that we try to avoid them. Good thing with Jenna, Matty was patient enough for her.

Things, things.. They make us crazy all the time.

I’m slightly starting to realize some stuff. People are sometimes not the ones we think they are. Not that this is related to the previous sentence, but there are things that happened lately that I never talked about. I don’t even know why, but it feels weird.

I’ve been thinking about those people who assure you about something but don’t even mean it. It’s their way of making you feel better, lessening the guilt they have for hurting you or for being different from who they are whenever they are with you. I am trying to understand their side but I can’t really think of any good reason for them doing it. It’s just really confusing when they seem to tell you they care and they will be honest to you but the next thing you know they are just doing the opposite of what they have told you. I do not understand why some people can do that. Why don’t they just tell the truth? That’s what they want, right? I just feel betrayed with all of the things that have been happening lately, the lies, the flowery words that seem to have hurtful truths behind. And what’s funny is that, you have figured it out and they still lie in front of your face, thinking that they can fool you. Oh, the shame. I don’t know if some people are just fools or they are just plain assholes. And then what’s worse is that, you didn’t expect them to lie to you after all those years or months of friendship or whatever relationship you have. But then I thought; if that’s what they want to do, then go. Do it. After all, I am known to receive any shit there is, not that it meant I care, though.

Note that there are a lot of people in my life.