Keeping My Mouth Shut

I don't really know why I am writing this.

It really bothers me especially every time I wake up and those emotional times before I fall asleep at night. I constantly think how it's hard for me every time some conflict comes up and I just don't want to spit it all out because it'll always be my fault and I will always look fool and stuff. I mean it's hard for me that I feel like I am alone here and I have to carry everything by myself because revealing it all will make things worse. Saying "I'm sorry, it was my fault, let's be okay" has been hard for me especially because I tend to tell it most of the times to avoid being hostile and to avoid countless statements that would make me feel like I've never done anything right because I have to forget about my side and always take the other's side first.

I don't know. It's just.. hard to take it all to yourself and not being able to communicate freely to the other party and not being able to be understood just like you were supposed to be understood. Or maybe I don't really deserve to be understood. I don't know. Bottom line is, it gives me pain how much I want to be free in telling how I feel but I can't because the other party so special to me that it also hurts me fighting with.. yeah.

You're Good, Not

I guess living in a family wherein everyone's good at something is negative at some points. Not having that "enough" feeling won't always mean that you may see life and become motivated by it. Sometimes, it makes you feel vulnerable and crap.

You are good.. Not. Maybe you are at a certain field but sometimes your skills aren't enough. Sometimes, you just want to be better and produce stuff wherein you could be proud of yourself, like you can say, "I did that!" Most of the times, you feel like everything you wanted never landed in your hands. It's just hard when you try so hard but there's no progress. You are tired of being in someone's shadows but destiny just keeps sticking you there, under everyone's shadows and so you will feel useless and nothing.

I want to believe I'm good but life's preventing me in doing it.

I am lost for words..