It's Fine

I guess some things aren't really meant to be. It sucks how life gets tough on you almost everytime. But I guess that's what's really going to happen if you try to push someone away just because you are scared. It sucks when history seems to repeat itself, that what happened in the past may seem to be happening again, only that you tried to fix it sooner than before. The more I tried to push people away because of my fear of getting hurt, the more I did hurt myself. My walls got really high that when I tried to look on the other side of it, no one was there anymore, just footprints.

It's like seeing a dress in a store. You fell in love the first time you laid your eyes on it. You had the money but you're trying to save it. So you tried to gather some more but when you came back, it was gone. It was a nice dress, something that would really look good on you, but it was gone. You lost your chance.

I tried my best to bring it back but it was all too late. It was a great adventure but not all adventures last the way we want them to. And I guess when you said that you did love me, you really did love me. I just never thought it would fade that soon.

I am hurting, a lot. But it'll pass. I'm sure it will. And it's fine, because somewhere along the road, I know it'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I will be okay.

Day 3

Since I know no one views this, I guess I need to let this out. I am hurting, a lot. And it fcking sucks that we have gone to this. I knew this point will happen, because it's a cycle but it's so damn hard when you know something better could've happened, like you could've been better and he could've understood you well. I know I have a lot of shortcomings and I could've been better. What saddens me the most is the fact that you have to let go of someone you knew would be worth it, someone you knew was the best.

It's so hard when you used to be there together for each other but you are there now, separated.  Like you used to hold hands and now you just don't want to hold each other's. Like you used to be so happy but things got so complicated and you weren't strong enough for the both of you. It's a massive torture that you will have to face every single day until you get better. I just wish I can fast forward.

I am hurting, a lot. The feeling that I have long avoided. Sometimes, I think, what if I didn't build walls, what if I went with the flow and just didn't try to sabotage what's making me happy and what I deserved. I tried to push you away because I am scared to get hurt but it still hurt me, especially you. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

My thoughts are jumbled.

I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now, Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me, And it's taking me to somewhere new

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well, Since the last time that we spoke, you said "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."

What a night it is, when you live like this, All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now, You know, I still can't believe we both did some things, I don't even wanna think about, Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want anybody else to feel this way"

I'll admit I was wrong about everything, Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down, All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even wanna think about.

I'm not strong enough for the both of us, What was I supposed to do, You know I love you.