Twenty Thirteen

Late

Few years ago, when blogging became one of my routines, I started this annual year ender blog post. I would always try to look back on the year that has gone by, every 31^st of December and try to appreciate all the experiences I had for each month. Since I haven’t really updated my Tumblr blog in a long time, I thought I could still create my annual year-ender blog post and feel nostalgic over the past year. So, I’m thinking of maybe transferring my year-ender here but instead of categorizing it per month, I decided to jumble it a little and focus on the things that tested me for this year. It was a really tough year honestly and I am really thankful I survived.

My year started off a bit crazy. It was supposed to be a holiday but I was working on our thesis. Our thesis had tested every aspect of me, physically, mentally, emotional. It was a tough challenge for me especially because our project wasn’t really something that is very easy to do. We had a lot of circumstances before we even had our topic approved. Add to that the amount of time and effort we have to put in to make it all possible. It was a rough road especially because it wasn’t the only thing I have in that time of my life. I had my usual academics, organizations, family, friends, and a person really dear to me. My year started off intensely overwhelming with pressure and all. I started becoming really tired with everything that has been happening and I believe I was in a really low point. But I must say, my friends really helped me get through it. I must say that in times of deep pressure and heaviness, your friends will stick to you and help you survive.

Even though I had the support that time, the imperfect me still couldn’t carry it all and really focus on the things that matter. I took some things and people for granted that it really created something worse. It wasn’t really my intention. I was emotionally unstable that time and I couldn’t handle it all right. Because of that, I lost something that is very important in my life. Losing something on the verge of it all was the last thing I needed that time. But I knew it was my fault. It’s just that, the timing was really off and it was something I thought would last a little longer. At this point, I knew I was in a lower point. It was an intense struggle to fight for survival and for acceptance of the things that ended. As usual, it was really devastating. But after all, I had my friends, and even met some new ones. I had it all coming through me, but I refused to accept it in a way that I didn’t entertain it that much although, it was a really tough time. It was an experience I would never forget, because I saw myself really struggling to the point of blaming myself every single day. It was something I never thought I would experience. But there, I lost it. I lost it all. Good job for myself, for not being good enough, again.

Then I came to the point of forcing myself to be okay and not to feel anything. It was an intensely hard thing to do. Imagine yourself, feeling all down but you had to keep it to yourself as if nothing happened, when in reality, your life is missing a big hole. Imagine clowning it, concealing all possible negative feeling you have. I had to, because I was afraid to lose even the tiniest hope of keeping that thing I lost. Tough times, really. I then claimed the love-hate term YOLO and did things I was scared of or didn’t have the energy to do, without caring. It happened for months until it came to a point that it all hid naturally. I had a feeling of numbness that I still have up to this day. It was something I never expected, especially coming from me who had all the feelings in the world. I started feeling steady, slowly not caring about anything there is. I was just really tired, tired of dealing with things. All the things that happened in the first months of this year made me so tired that I couldn’t make a reaction or feel excited about anything. It may be a sad state but to me, that’s better than feeling anything.

Then graduation came in. It was the most fulfilling thing, especially coming from a person who had it the hard way. I have never really been someone who is so addicted to studying. It has always been other things over my studies. But that doesn’t mean I am a failure when it comes to my academics. It’s just that I would always put experience first over the technical thing. So this month, I have graduated from a prestigious university and can proudly say that I have fucking made it, I’m done with school. It was a really tough journey and I am really glad I made it. I was ecstatic to be in that ceremony. I felt like I was becoming a grown up. It was the best. But I didn’t really feel whole. But I told myself that it’s time to focus and regain what had lost in me, probably make myself whole again.

Since I graduated already, it had to look for a job, of course, something that would probably make me more independent. But like everyone in this world, it took some time. While I was waiting for some feedback and all, I became a legit bum. Believe me, with all the academic struggles, it was something I really needed. I went out all the time, like the unusual me. I went out with people, became like a kid again. I did all I can so I could chill out and take that emotional rest I have been wanting for months. And I did get it, for a short while.

When months came in, I kind of started doubting, becoming frustrated. A lot of things around me pressured me to gain something. I thought I had to get everything done right there, in that moment and place. But I remained patient even though I really wanted to tear my hair out. It was just a lot of frustrations, pressure, and somehow feeling something. I was seeing myself questioning all the reasons that people would give me, and deciding on what is logical. I must say, I saw myself absorbing everything but taking things lightly and logically.

A job landed on my lap one day, what’s more surprising is that, there were two jobs. At the same time, two choices from another aspect landed on my lap as well. It was crazy. But I knew I had to take in one for each. And I did. I was perfectly happy for the job I chose and for this other thing. I felt like becoming really mature and independent for having to create big decisions for myself.

I also came to this stage where I had to chose between keeping my walls really high and sturdy or going YOLO. It’s not like it was something I was really bothered with, because seriously, my priorities were all set up and it was something that I placed on the last parts of my priorities list. I chose to YOLO and tried to let someone in. After all, I didn’t want to regret not taking a chance, just like what happened in my previous “moments”. It turned out to be perfectly fine. Surprisingly, I saw myself being mature about it. It’s not like it took a lot from me, but it helped me become a better and more understanding person. I must say I got to know better, and was able to apply what I learned in my past, learning to have faith and believing in something that most people would have given up on. It was intensely nice, I must say. For the first time in my life, I felt positive. It’s not like I was so hopeful for that thing to work out. It was like accepting and believing in something you never thought you would. But then, as the year ended, it also ended, for the reason being what usually happens to me. I wasn’t that affected. I took it maturely, completely accepting that some things just don’t work out, and it’s fine. I mean, a lot of things don’t. And besides I had it all figured out since the beginning. I knew it was going to happen in that time and moment. And honestly, I was really tired of dealing with the same reason over and over again. And I realized, things can be as simple as black and white areas, but people would always complicate it. People would always get overwhelmed with the things that are not really overwhelming. Some people take things too seriously and irrationally. I’m just happy that I took care of myself well and just chilled my head out instead of overthinking and letting things kill me. It’s something I think one of the things I learned this year.

Up to this moment, I can’t really feel anything. The numbness is still there but it’s totally better that way. No love, no hate, just pure indifference. It’s not really as bad as you think, honestly, especially coming from a person like me. It’s perfectly fine. And I never forget to be thankful for all the experiences and lessons that happened to me. They made me become a better person. And for all the bad things I have experienced, I’m proud to say that I survived well, and that nothing can really break those achievements. You gotta fight and believe all the time, you know! Cheers to a pain in the ass year!