I was looking through my old stuff when I saw a letter I wrote for my ex bestfriend, years ago. It's kind of funny that I call him "ex". I wrote this letter, but I never gave it to him. Why? Because things are really complicated. And talking about him in public can make everything worse, again. He's my last bestfriend. Yes, he's a he. I'm still bitter, until now, not that I still care about him like I still love him (as my bestfriend). It's just that the way it ended was something.. Ugh. So, here it goes..
Dear __________,
As much as I wanted you to read this, you can't because I, too, can't make you read this. I've been wanting to talk to you but even you can't let me. My family's a mess. Mom and dad keeps on singing their throats out, fighting. My mom's crying over the bills we should pay and the things we are paying. My brother's screaming at me with awful words which include that I don't have any value in this house. The CINGLEs are having problems, others are acting weird. I can't seem to carry myself out. I feel like everything's falling apart. And my own bestfriend, too, is included. Where are you? Why can't you be here with me? I understand that you should be yourself, be with her and not always stick with me. But are times like this, part of it, times that I don't know anyone to talk to? You're not returning my calls nor responding to my messages. What happened? Where are you? It's killing me to death not even seeing you. I know you love her so much, your girl, but is avoiding me part of it? No offensement. And yes, everyone hate me again, for the reason I don't even know. Memories are flashing back, all of them. I can remember the same time when everyone's acting a little weird and you're the only one there. The times when we only have us to lean on, the times when we say we won't leave each other. I wish those days weren't over yet. How I wish we could have one day. One day is enough than never, that day full of surprises, spending time with each other, doing things we haven't done yet, doing things that bestfriends do. I am not numb. I know the things that changed, even the small things. They always say that things always change. I wish our friendship wasn't included.
Sincerely,
Cola
I actually deleted some parts. I wrote this, two to three years ago, when my life has been in its worst and my best friend is close to gone. It's not like we have shared a lot of memories with each other, something like those "best friends since kids". No, nothing like that. It was weird also, when we started. But like many things, our friendship changed. Everything just became complicated that he can't talk to me anymore because his girl forbids him to make contact with me. It sucks, and childish. Once, he tried to get things back the way they were used to be and then, it all got screwed, again. He even offered me his candle during our retreat, where he told me how sorry he was and how he wanted things to be back like before and then after that day, we're not talking to each other again (and yes, it's because of the girl, partly). It just feels weird that he has to do those things that can make our relationship break. I just thought he's different from anybody. I guess that's how it is, we would think that some people in our lives are different from everybody but as it goes along, they will prove to us that everybody's just the same. I never had any bestfriend after him. And I wish I have one right now, though.
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