That feeling when someone asks you what's new with your life and you have nothing to say because your life has been really down for the last couple of weeks. That feeling when he's just so happy and you're there, just.. steady. That feeling when he seems to have everything and you're there basically has nothing. That feeling when he is moving really fast forward and you're there being a snail. That feeling when his life's filled with great opportunities and you're there still trying to push away the depression.
Don't misinterpret, I am more than happy for him.
That feeling when history seems to repeat itself, that you always lose something when graduation's coming, that your heart always break when your supposed-to-be-happy event is coming. That feeling when you blame yourself for everything that's happened. That feeling when you think that you can never be really happy for a long time, that there will always be an expiration date for people, that no matter how you trusted and thought that people won't leave through tough times, they will always do. That feeling when you know you have so much to give but the other person won't let you. That feeling when you know you can really do better but the other person doesn't believe you. That feeling when you have so much love and respect for a person that even though his decision doesn't include you, you still try to understand.
Don't misinterpret, I'm trying to move forward.
This depression always finds a way to kick in. Don't mind.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
It's Fine
I guess some things aren't really meant to be. It sucks how life gets tough on you almost everytime. But I guess that's what's really going to happen if you try to push someone away just because you are scared. It sucks when history seems to repeat itself, that what happened in the past may seem to be happening again, only that you tried to fix it sooner than before. The more I tried to push people away because of my fear of getting hurt, the more I did hurt myself. My walls got really high that when I tried to look on the other side of it, no one was there anymore, just footprints.
It's like seeing a dress in a store. You fell in love the first time you laid your eyes on it. You had the money but you're trying to save it. So you tried to gather some more but when you came back, it was gone. It was a nice dress, something that would really look good on you, but it was gone. You lost your chance.
I tried my best to bring it back but it was all too late. It was a great adventure but not all adventures last the way we want them to. And I guess when you said that you did love me, you really did love me. I just never thought it would fade that soon.
I am hurting, a lot. But it'll pass. I'm sure it will. And it's fine, because somewhere along the road, I know it'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I will be okay.
It's like seeing a dress in a store. You fell in love the first time you laid your eyes on it. You had the money but you're trying to save it. So you tried to gather some more but when you came back, it was gone. It was a nice dress, something that would really look good on you, but it was gone. You lost your chance.
I tried my best to bring it back but it was all too late. It was a great adventure but not all adventures last the way we want them to. And I guess when you said that you did love me, you really did love me. I just never thought it would fade that soon.
I am hurting, a lot. But it'll pass. I'm sure it will. And it's fine, because somewhere along the road, I know it'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I will be okay.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Day 3
Since I know no one views this, I guess I need to let this out. I am hurting, a lot. And it fcking sucks that we have gone to this. I knew this point will happen, because it's a cycle but it's so damn hard when you know something better could've happened, like you could've been better and he could've understood you well. I know I have a lot of shortcomings and I could've been better. What saddens me the most is the fact that you have to let go of someone you knew would be worth it, someone you knew was the best.
It's so hard when you used to be there together for each other but you are there now, separated. Like you used to hold hands and now you just don't want to hold each other's. Like you used to be so happy but things got so complicated and you weren't strong enough for the both of you. It's a massive torture that you will have to face every single day until you get better. I just wish I can fast forward.
I am hurting, a lot. The feeling that I have long avoided. Sometimes, I think, what if I didn't build walls, what if I went with the flow and just didn't try to sabotage what's making me happy and what I deserved. I tried to push you away because I am scared to get hurt but it still hurt me, especially you. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you.
My thoughts are jumbled.
I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now, Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me, And it's taking me to somewhere new
Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well, Since the last time that we spoke, you said "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."
What a night it is, when you live like this, All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now, You know, I still can't believe we both did some things, I don't even wanna think about, Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want anybody else to feel this way"
I'll admit I was wrong about everything, Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down, All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even wanna think about.
I'm not strong enough for the both of us, What was I supposed to do, You know I love you.
It's so hard when you used to be there together for each other but you are there now, separated. Like you used to hold hands and now you just don't want to hold each other's. Like you used to be so happy but things got so complicated and you weren't strong enough for the both of you. It's a massive torture that you will have to face every single day until you get better. I just wish I can fast forward.
I am hurting, a lot. The feeling that I have long avoided. Sometimes, I think, what if I didn't build walls, what if I went with the flow and just didn't try to sabotage what's making me happy and what I deserved. I tried to push you away because I am scared to get hurt but it still hurt me, especially you. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you.
My thoughts are jumbled.
I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now, Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me, And it's taking me to somewhere new
Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well, Since the last time that we spoke, you said "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."
What a night it is, when you live like this, All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now, You know, I still can't believe we both did some things, I don't even wanna think about, Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want anybody else to feel this way"
I'll admit I was wrong about everything, Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down, All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even wanna think about.
I'm not strong enough for the both of us, What was I supposed to do, You know I love you.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Trusting, NOT
Not all people in my life know my how my trust issues are taking up my whole. It's something that has been my problem for a couple of years already. I can say that my life has been open to anyone who wants to know it but not all have that chance in having my full trust. Honestly, trusting is really hard for me to do. It's those series of experiences and bitch moments that made me stop.
During high school, any kind of trust I had was broken. I know it's high school but nothing has ever made me feel that trusting is okay anymore. I was purely traumatised and scared of the things that will happen in the future even though I sometimes act as if I am not scared. Yes, I want to be someone like that but there's still a big ball of fear inside of me that is stopping me from taking all of the risks in front of me.
My point is, when you gave someone your trust and that person broke it, no matter how much the degree is, that person still broke your trust. It's the fact that I kept thinking. What sucks is that, of all people, that one person you believed who will never break it, did it.
During high school, any kind of trust I had was broken. I know it's high school but nothing has ever made me feel that trusting is okay anymore. I was purely traumatised and scared of the things that will happen in the future even though I sometimes act as if I am not scared. Yes, I want to be someone like that but there's still a big ball of fear inside of me that is stopping me from taking all of the risks in front of me.
My point is, when you gave someone your trust and that person broke it, no matter how much the degree is, that person still broke your trust. It's the fact that I kept thinking. What sucks is that, of all people, that one person you believed who will never break it, did it.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Not-So Wish List
I am not really a materialistic girl. Well, yeah, sometimes but most of the times, I like some things but it doesn't mean I'd die if I don't get to have them. Since Christmas is coming, I can also smell some money coming. I have came up with this not-so Christmas Wish List. Well it's more of a what-to-buy list.
- Doc Martens 1460 in Black
- Canon 40mm Pancake Lens
- Miranda Kerr's body
- Make up Brush Set
- St. Jude Thaddeus necklace
- Sweaters!
- Beanie
- Instax Film
- Christmas Tree
- Macarons
- Red Velvet Cupcakes
- The Script ticket
One by one, I'll scratch these. I just need to get some work done to get $.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thankful
In times of trials, I admit that I am the most negative person ever. I just think that if I become too positive about these, things would go negatively and I would end up more devastated because I hoped and then nothing happened. I think it's just my reason not to expect things.
I am recently, or currently facing one of the biggest problems I have ever faced. It's pretty much eating up the whole of me and I tend to become afraid of being alone because I don't want to handle it alone. I mean I can't handle it alone. I might kill myself or something, not that I'm suicidal.
As I face this whatever it is that I am facing, one person never left my side and has been a great help on how I cope up with it. I mean, wow, I am so shocked and very thankful at the same time that one person was literally beside me the whole time and never left my side, just supporting me and giving me all I need, trying to cheer me up as much as he can. Even though I really hate how this person tells me about hope, I really appreciate how he has been there for me. God, I am really thankful. Words cannot express how much I am thankful that I have this person helping me to hold on and keeping me sane.
I wish this person all the best for the next coming days since I know that a lot of things are also getting jumbled in this person's life. I really believe that he's a great person and that he is really smart that he can go and fix everything.
He's the best.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Wrong Timing
I don't know if I can still do this but as of the moment, I'm really far from considering it.
After that incident last year, I never really asked for a relationship of some sort. I kind of enjoyed being single even though there are times when I think about it. I knew how relationships suck at some point because you are obliged to do some stuff for the other, including those you don't like and not used to. I am not really in a relationship right now but I've been doing these things a lot lately. The irony! You know what sucks with this? It's how you are forced to do something just because the other gets angry and when the other gets angry, you can't really take that and you will get distracted and all. The worse part is, just when you are going through something that will define your future, certain things like this makes your focus weak. Can you just pause everything for a moment and work for your future? Actually, I thought about that, seriously. I thought about asking some space because I know I couldn't handle it if there would be stuff like what I've been talking about in the earlier part of this post, while you try to save your future. But I said, "You know he understands your situation and he would give you whatever you will need just so your focus wouldn't get weak." Yeah right, Cola. Yeah right. Not that I am saying that he doesn't understand me or maybe he really don't, I don't know. It's just that the timing is really off, that I can't deal with this right now, yet if I don't fix it soon, I will end up worrying about it the whole time. It's so frustrating! This is one of the reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't know, I guess I won't be going into one, not anytime soon.
I need to organize my thoughts.
After that incident last year, I never really asked for a relationship of some sort. I kind of enjoyed being single even though there are times when I think about it. I knew how relationships suck at some point because you are obliged to do some stuff for the other, including those you don't like and not used to. I am not really in a relationship right now but I've been doing these things a lot lately. The irony! You know what sucks with this? It's how you are forced to do something just because the other gets angry and when the other gets angry, you can't really take that and you will get distracted and all. The worse part is, just when you are going through something that will define your future, certain things like this makes your focus weak. Can you just pause everything for a moment and work for your future? Actually, I thought about that, seriously. I thought about asking some space because I know I couldn't handle it if there would be stuff like what I've been talking about in the earlier part of this post, while you try to save your future. But I said, "You know he understands your situation and he would give you whatever you will need just so your focus wouldn't get weak." Yeah right, Cola. Yeah right. Not that I am saying that he doesn't understand me or maybe he really don't, I don't know. It's just that the timing is really off, that I can't deal with this right now, yet if I don't fix it soon, I will end up worrying about it the whole time. It's so frustrating! This is one of the reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't know, I guess I won't be going into one, not anytime soon.
I need to organize my thoughts.
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